The significance of the dragonfly

In last week's blog, I shared how I'd decorated the first tree we've had since Andrea's death with the assortment of dragonfly pins and earrings friends have so kindly given to me over the years. I continue to wear all of these but it has been sweet to give them up for a few weeks in order to enjoy them in this way. Above is a photo of our little tree.

I also promised to share with you the importance of the dragonfly to our family. I wrote about how this came to pass in our book, Andrea's Voice: Silenced by Bulimia (Gurze Books, 2006). The following paragraphs contain portions of this story taken from Chapter 3 of our book:

Father O’Connor, a stranger to our family prior to presiding at my mother’s funeral [four weeks earlier], telephoned the day after we heard the news of Andrea’s passing. My brother had told him of our tragedy and he felt compelled to call, not only with his condolences, but also with his desire to speak at our daughter’s memorial service. After a number of conversations back and forth—we already had a minister for Andrea’s service and were unsure of the protocol involved in adding another—the priest revealed to us the reason for his passionate need to speak at her service. He related how Andrea’s query the few weeks before had touched him deeply. He disclosed, “In my forty-odd years of priesthood, no one has ever asked me that question. She bravely confronted my words with such seeking, such a burning desire to know. I feel an inexplicable connection to your daughter. ”

At Andrea’s memorial service, this regally clad priest narrated a poignant story of the dragonfly’s life cycle. It made a fine metaphor for life after death. He described how the dragonfly nymph begins its life under water. All of its sustenance, indeed all of its needs, are met in this fluid environment. It is surrounded by its brothers and sisters and feels nourished in the shadow world beneath the water’s surface. He then told of the nymph’s intense experience of transformation into an adult dragonfly with wings. How it enters a vast universe of beauty beyond its wildest imaginings, and although it can fly over its previous home and even see its brothers and sisters along the water’s edge, it can never return. It must wait until they, too, enter the next cycle of their life to be united once more.

Early the morning after we returned home from the intense emotion of Andrea’s Southern California memorial service, I stood looking out our bedroom window. My arms rested on the tall windowsill as I stared out at the lushly green-leafed apple and almond trees. My mind felt numb with emotion. I looked but did not really see. A silver-streaked flash, followed by another and then another, begged my eyes to focus. I forced my mind to take note. What was that? Suddenly, I realized that the area right outside our bedroom window had filled with small, darting dragonflies—hundreds of them. I looked with awed wonder. How could so many dragonflies appear in one place, especially without a nearby source of water? I woke Tom. We stood and stared at this small miracle. We have associated Andrea with dragonflies ever since.

Beyond our dragonfly adorned Christmas tree, our home is filled with dragonfly artwork, glassware, sculpture and trinkets. Each one reminds us not only of the person who gave the gift and of their special relationship with Andrea but of the promise of life after death. I believe, with all my heart and soul, that we continue beyond this earthly realm.

May this holiday season enrich your beliefs, whatever they may be, and fill your soul with the joys of living.

Blessings until next time,

Doris

 

Comments

[Michelle]

Dear Nancy,

I loved reading this, thank you for sharing your experience.

Something similar happened to me, when an ex-boyfriend died while I was working abroad in France in a summer camp in 2004.

I didn't know at the time that he commited suicide.

On one summer day, I was with a group of children near a stream when I strongly felt an unidentifiable male presence that alarmed me and then saw dragonflies above the water. The children were so delighted at seeing the dragonflies. They were beautiful and shimmering, and I remember them being very green. I wrote off the strange presence I felt as tiredness.

I found out that Brian died only 7 months afterwards, and on afterthought I believe it was him trying to communicate with me somehow...it'll always be a beautiful mystery and feeling.

Lots of love to you and your family

[Kelly]

Hi,
Thank you for your kind response. Yes, I have looked for a mentor. I did sign up for mentor/connect through Shannon's website. I never heard back. I tried twice. Maybe I was doing something wrong. I was attending a group here in Danville run by Nancy Clarkson. I really enjoyed it. I was attending with a friend I had met through treatment at Herrick in Berkeley. I found the group to be awesome, but I was needing space from my friend. It became very competitive and I was also taking her to the hopsital once a month. I have not been back to group in months. I do speak with the director. Thankfully my friend is now in recovery so I will give it another try. I tend to hold all my feeling to myself so it is always nice to get some concerns off my chest.
If you know an easy way to get a mentor through mentor/connect I would love to give it another try. I work long hours..4:30am until 7:00pm. SO hopefully it will be clsoe to our time zone.
Warm Regards Doris!

[Doris Smeltzer]

Dear Nancy,

Thank you so very much for your comment. I can only imagine the pain you feel for your twin nieces--I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you, too, for your kind words about our book and for sharing your experiences with Lady Bugs...I have no doubt that this connection is real :)

I applaud you for your determination to heal from the ED. I know that I would want to know if I were your parents...yes, it would possibly worry me but to think of my daughter struggling without the support I might be able to provide is an even more painful proposition (in my world). I respect your decision not to share with your parents...I just know that I would want to know.

It sounds like you have a wonderful treatment team. I wonder if youve ever considered adding a Mentor as an augment to the treatment youre already receiving? If this is something you may be interested in you can check it out here: http://www.key-to-life.com/mentorconnect/

You (and your twin nieces) are now forever in my prayers.

With warmth and care,

Doris

Doris Smeltzer, MA
MFT RegisteredIntern
President, Andreas Voice Foundation

Web Site:http://andreasvoice.org/
Email:doris@andreasvoice.org

Author,Andreas Voice: Silenced by Bulimia(Gurze Books, 2006) Gurze Books Blog: Advice for Parents at:http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/parents/

VoiceAmerica Radio Show Host for Savor Yourself...beyond skin deep at:http://andreasvoice.org/avmedia

Andreas Voice Foundation is a proud member of the ...

[Kelly]

My twin neices would of been 12 years old yesterday. They were born and passed due to being so little. Our family too has a sign that we enjoy and look to as their precious memory. Lady Bugs. The little lady bugs have turned up on special days, odd places and even in the winter. It gives us peace as we miss the girls so much. I do now have a beautiful 10 year old niece that is my life.
I found your post as I was searching your website. I have struggled with ED for many years. Some of those years I was able to live and not have so many struggles. Lately the last 6 years it has been a real big struggle. I have a therapist (whom I love & trust) a PCP and an RD. I am extremely lucky to have the treatment team I have. I am so tired of living my life around food and exercise. I plan to beat this once and for all. I haven't enjoyed a slice of birthday cake for over 20 years.
I just want to thank you for your bravery. I have one big secret and that is my parents do not know I suffer from this. I can't imagine them worrying about me and I know they will. I just hope to get better and then they can continue on enjoying being retired. Funny thing is they live right up near you in Yountville. I read your book. I cried for Andrea and for you and your husband.
Please take care and blessing to your family aways.