Illusions

I have been in email communication with an out-of-state family who contacted me asking for guidance on how to convince their 20-year-old son (whom I’ll call Tim) that he is in need of treatment. Tim suffers with bulimia and was in deep denial about the severity of his condition as were certain family members. After numerous attempts with one-on-one talks expressing concern, the entire family finally got on board and did a loving but intense "intervention."

At long last Tim relented and said that he would go into treatment. Insurance actually agreed to cover the costs of inpatient treatment and the family felt incredible relief. Finally their son would be in the hands of experts who could help him begin his healing journey.

This young man was in the treatment facility for two nights when he decided to check himself out against medical advice.

The disappointment and devastation this family felt was palpable, even through email. When children reach legal adult age parents have very little input when it comes to treatment. Confidentiality laws bind our hands even tighter.

What could be more frightening than watching our child self-destruct and be powerless to take any action to stop a downward spiral? Not that we have much more power when they are minors. Many of us who have lost a child to an eating disorder know that the “I can save my child” illusion is just that: an illusion. It is nearly impossible to save some one who does not want to be saved … and sometimes even if they want to be saved. Even if we (and even they) do everything “right.”

I think this is the paradox of parenthood: we are charged with keeping our children safe and away from harm while simultaneously having no real power to do so. We cannot control all variables at all times and some times life intervenes.

The best we can do is to remain conscious and do our own work so that we can model a healthy process of self-discovery and self-care. We can model learning and growing and changing. We can embrace the mysteries of life without the need to understand or control them. We can admit that we are powerless over determining our child’s future and love him no matter how that future unfolds. Have I yet met a family who has accomplished all of these tasks? Nope. And because we are all human and imperfect I doubt I ever will. But we can try to move in those directions, forgiving ourselves when we miss the mark.

My hope for Tim’s family is that they can forgive Tim, forgive themselves, and continue to live and love.  

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Comments

[Caroline]

I can relate to this as my daughter is 22 and just this past April she went in to the hospital as her potassium was dangerously low.After 15 hours in the er on IV potassium along with tablets by mouth she still was pretty low and they wanted to admit her but she refused even when I pleaded with her.She has no insurance but I told her not to think of that and she said she just didn't want to stay.Two days later we were back again for 12 hours doing the same thing.Well she got her level up but you and I know that bulimia untreated is only going to repeat this cycle.Illusions of her wanting to get better , me helping her to get better, are just that right now....illusions!

[fertil]

i love reading your posts
thanks