Heed the warning ...

Last week I had the privilege and the honor of presenting to a room full of families and their "in treatment" loved ones at the amazing eating disorder treatment facility, Avalon Hills in Logan, Utah. Besides being thoroughly impressed with what Avalon provides their clients I was humbled by the courage of those in-residence as well as their parents, spouses, siblings, friends and grandparents. Their presence meant that they were open to learning and working together to help their loved one heal...a huge step in the process!

In the afternoon, Dr. Donald Hebert, Avalon's Director of Patient Services, gave a valuable lecture on the workings of Family Systems.  I came to this didactic with an understanding that my own therapist, Dr. Tesa Carlsen, had succinctly described to me early in our sessions together. This is my long-winded synopsis of what she explained to me:

In our family "system" we all take on, or are assigned, specific roles. Each of us creates or are "given" a script for the part we will play within the family. We then all dutifly read our scripts, with little variance, from one day to the next. These scripts rarely serve us or the family well...but due to habit and expectations we continue to play our roles and read our scripts as they were originally established. 

When one family member bravely decides, often with the guidance of a skilled professional, to throw away her script and ad-lib his "part" this puts the rest of the family in disequilibrium. In order to maintain homeostasis the family does whatever it can to pull the ad-libing family member back into the old patterns of communication and relationship in an attempt to reestablish the old scripts.

If the ad-libing member succumbs, then the "balance" and comfort of the old pattern is maintained and the family can go on blissfully unaware of the pain and harm these inflexible "ways of being" may be causing the entire system. If, on the other hand, the ad-liber, again often with the help of a trained professional, refuses (without rancor, judgment or heat) to read from their old script, then the family system has no choice but to either completely disown this family member or to change in response to the ad-liber's new way of being.

This background knowledge allowed me to hear Dr. Hebert's words at a deeper level than I might have. In his talk, he made six major points but the one that obviously spoke to me loudest was point number five: "In the family system, change in one individual changes the family system...the family has to make adjustments to the change in the individual."

When Andrea was here, change is what I feared the most. I wanted so desperately to believe that I was doing everything "just right" as a mom that I erroneously assumed that a need for change declared my parenting "wrong" and in need of fixing. My then fragile self-esteem was not capable of handling this thought. My mantra at the time was a silent, "Please don't ask me to change, please don't ask me to change, please don't ask me to change...""

I sat in that room filled with a vast array of family systems and wondered if any of the other parents felt the way I had felt. I had lived in dread of being asked to change how I was or even more frightening who I was in order to help our daughter heal.

I can now see how ego-filled that fear was...OF COURSE I had to change how and who I was in relationship with Andrea.  The way I was and who I was had become not only ineffective but downright harmful! That was the main message of Andrea's eating disorder: how she was living life was no longer working for her AND how we as a family were living, was no longer working for her or us.  Because of my fear and denial, I chose to disregard this paramount warning. My hope is that you will heed this message from your child's illness. We ignore it at our own, but more importantly, at our child's peril.

Blessings until next time,

Doris