When Guillain-Barré Syndrome hit our daughter Jocelyn last year we had to cancel our flight to Florida and our first-ever cruise. While going through paperwork a few weeks ago, I came across the cancelled flight information. The refund had to be used by June 4th or it would be lost. Thus we found ourselves in Raleigh, North Carolina last week for a quick get-away to an especially green and lush part of the country that we’d never before seen.
We began our second evening sitting outside on our B&B's expansive wrap-around veranda. Relaxing and reading was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a slew (a flock, a herd, a gaggle, a LOT) of mosquitoes. Settled back inside, we noticed a DVD player in our room. The innkeepers had a shelf with a small selection of films, some very old. There were only a few we hadn’t yet seen. We chose the one that looked the most innocuous and non-violent: The Bachelor.
Actor Chris O’Donnell, the protagonist, must marry before his 30th birthday—a few days away—in order to inherit millions of dollars from his patriarchal (read: controlling and selfish) dead grandfather. This was truly, at best, a C-grade movie and very sophomoric, yet one scenario stuck with me. Chris O’Donnell is standing in a church facing a congregation of brides (a flock, a herd, a gaggle, a LOT!) The sea of white is urging Chris to enumerate his criteria in order to weed out those who won’t even be considered. From the balcony a fat woman (and that is a word of description not of derision) shouts something to the effect, “We know you want someone skinny—give us a number…” She was asking for the weight over which candidates would not even be considered.
I was curious as to how the screen writers would have Chris respond, especially since he’d originally maintained that his decision would be more about personality than looks (a claim the balcony woman was probably tired of hearing). After hedging a bit he conceded, “I guess … 150…”
This movie was made in 1999. I wondered what the number given today would be…much less I’d imagine, a notion supported by Jean Kilbourne’s powerful video, Killing Us Softly 3. This documentary illustrates the abuse and manipulation of women’s self esteem by mass media. It was also produced in 1999. It is shocking to see how much thinner today’s models are when compared to just under a decade ago.
In the Spring 2008 Renfrew Connections publication, Adrienne Ressler, Renfrew’s National Training Director, writes about body image. She offers some suggestions on how we can “get on the road to being as good to [our]selves as [we] probably are to others in [our] lives.” For the “woman in the balcony” inside each of us I share a portion of Adrienne’s tip number six:
Keep yourself surrounded by people who love and appreciate who you are—not because you have met certain conditions to be worthy of their approval or love. At the same time, reduce your interactions with family members or acquaintances who are negative or critical of you. ...
Here’s to surrounding ourselves with people who love and appreciate who we are, unconditionally!
Blessings until next time,
Doris
Hi Dorris. I just wanted to offer a response to the above comment from Cathie. I don't know if she will read it or not, but I was hoping to put my two cents in, for whatever its worth. As someone on the other end (someone struggling with an eating disorder for many years now) I felt I could maybe offer a different perspective in relation to parents. My mother does not know about my disorder, though I'm sure if she did, she would probably initially have feelings of guilt and self-blame. I would tell her, as I'm sure a vast majority of sufferers would tell their mothers, that it is not her fault. In all honestly, my mother never forced my fingers down my throat and if she knew, I am sure she would be the first one wanting me in the best treatment possible to get better. For me, if my mother tried to take all the responsibility for my disorder, that would hurt me terribly. We know eating disorders are often in part about control, and if my mom tried to claim the disorder as her doing, that just strips me of whatever control I did have! I understand the situations are different for every family, and while situations at home may have contributed to my desire for control, no one person forced me into having an eating disorder. My thoughts and prayers go out to family members who are trying so desperately to be supportive and understanding with their loved ones who are suffering from this terrible disorder.
Sincerely,
Andrea F.
Posted by: Andrea | June 20, 2008 at 08:14 AM
Dear Doris,
I'm so glad you and your husband were able to get away. I'm not necessecarilly commenting on this article, I wasn't sure how to reach you and decided to use this vehicle.I'm Katie"s Mom, I finally met you at your presentation @ vintage High School last month. First I would like to express my sadness for your loss of your beautiful daughter. I don't really know how to say this but after speaking with a close friend, she encourarged me to communicate with you. ...I was very upset after your "Parents" presentation to say the least. I know now that you are trying desperately to teach parents (mom"S) to have healthier self BODY images for our daughters to model, and I appreciate this! I also came away feeling very responsible for my daughters illness and it really hurt! I feel so stupid even telling you this,Like I said I was encouraged to! I"m realizing there are alot of parents that not only offer a bad example (with dieting as a hobbie) also what we say regarding looks etc. There are some girls that this has happened to despite the above reasons. I appreciate what you are doing and I never want to walk in you or your families shoes , I just wanted you to know how this was for me. Sincerely,
Cathie Ovando
Posted by: Cathie Ovando | June 15, 2008 at 07:24 PM