Not too long ago, in the psychological community, the first step in treating someone suffering with an eating disorder was to attempt to perform a “parentectomy.” It is now generally understood that when parents are educated to the ways in which they can help, they can be the most valuable first line of defense in their child’s healing process. The world of psychology has come a long way in seeing the value of parent involvement in the treatment of eating disorders.
A mother heard me speak at our local high school and, in a comment to my previous blog, shared that she left the talk feeling “…very responsible for my daughter’s illness and it really hurt!” I try to begin each of my presentations with the announcement that parents do not cause eating disorders—these are complex illnesses and a myriad of factors are involved in their development. I must have neglected to make this statement on this occasion.
I do know, however, that if we do not take the time to look inward and examine the ways that we have bought into our culture’s toxic messages about food, weight and looks that we may well be contributing to the continuation of the illness once it has developed.
A few days ago I was hiking with a woman, whom I’ll call Sue. I’ve gotten to know her only through occasional sharing of the same hillside. On this particular morning, I met her as she was descending the mountain and she elected to continue her hike by joining me on my assent. Within minutes she revealed that her motivation to continue to hike came from the fact that she’d gained two pounds and needed to work off the weight.
This is the same woman who has expressed concern for a young relative living with her who suffers with bulimia. It was apparent that Sue was completely unaware that her need to keep track of her own weight and then engage in some sort of compensatory behavior (two rigorous hikes, back-to-back) to work off any gained weight was different from her relative’s bulimic behaviors only by degrees and method of purging.
On the “For Parents” page of our web site, AndreasVoice.org, I state:
We may ask, “Then whose fault is [the illness], if not my child’s?” Assigning blame is so very seductive … it makes things somehow more tidy and manageable and far more comprehensible. It, again, wastes valuable time and energy. . . time and energy that should be focused on the healing of our children. As parents we all make mistakes but there are factors over which we have no control: the combination of genes our children inherit, their specific temperaments and how they interpret events around them, the messages they receive from peers and the culture at large, and so on and so on.
We may not cause our child's eating disorder, but we can be one of the contributing factors toward its development through our attitudes, lifestyle and inadvertent comments.
Without realizing it and with no malice intended, Sue may be supporting her relative’s bulimic behaviors.
In our book, Andrea’s Voice: Silenced by Bulimia, I talk about my journey through guilt. Initially, I felt completely responsible for our younger daughter Andrea’s illness—even though while she was still alive she assured me it was not my fault. At one point in the book I am once again decrying my poor parenting skills to our older daughter, Jocelyn. Her response was an eye-opener for me.
After commenting for the hundredth time about how I seemed capable of only remembering the bad things I did as a mother, Jocelyn switched gears. She reminded me, “You know how you’re always going on and on about the behaviors you modeled for Annie, Mom? How much they hurt her?”
“Yes.” Half a dozen examples skipped through my mind.
“Well, what are you modeling for me, right now?”
This question forced me to look at the purpose “guilt” was serving for me. This feeling allowed a convenient hiding place: I could avoid looking honestly at my actions by feeling guilty about their perceived affects. This became an ingenious way of avoiding the hard work of changing behaviors that inadvertently supported our culture’s drive for thinness by wasting time on lamenting.
Is the message I bring to parents difficult to hear? Yes. Is it radical given today’s standards and expectations around food, weight, and feelings of self? Yes. Does it need to be heard? I think yes but I have also learned that we cannot hear what we cannot hear.
I have come to realize that no one has the power to make me feel anything: happiness, anger, guilt, sadness. These all come from within me. My reactions are based on my life experiences—my biography. My job is to recognize the feelings and from whence they’ve come, allow myself to experience them fully and then let them go.
I have also come to know that the more intense my reaction, the more carefully I must look within to discover what is going on for me to cause such an intense response. My reaction has nothing to do with the other person—I am responsible for how I feel. I will not abdicate that responsibility. And with that, I send you…
Blessings until next time,
Doris
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