What will we talk about?

Last week I interviewed a dear friend on my radio show.  I must first give a bit of background.  Joslyn Smith and I connected soon after Andrea died.  At that time, Joslyn was a student at Scripps College and Andrea had been a student at Pitzer.  These two campuses share acreage with the three other Claremont Colleges in southern California:  Harvey Mudd, Claremont McKenna and Pomona.  Because they are a related consortium their students share professors and classes.  That’s how Joslyn and Andrea met…through a shared class.

The topic of last week’s radio show was “Countering Mixed Messages” around health and weight.  Joslyn stated that it was when she heard of Andrea’s death that she realized that one could look fine and still be seriously ill.  She’d last seen Andrea only a few weeks before she died…she had no idea that her friend was ill let alone near death from bulimic behaviors. 

Joslyn, too, suffered with eating disordered behaviors.  She’d told herself that she really couldn’t be very ill because she didn’t look ill.  Even though her body was severely malnourished Joslyn “appeared” to the unenlightened eye as “overweight.”  Indeed, every message she received from physicians, family and the media supported her denial of her own condition:  If you look fat you cannot be healthy.  If you look fat you must lose weight.  If you look fat you will never be successful or happy because success and happiness are achieved only by those who are thin.

It was Andrea’s death that shook Joslyn out of her complacency around her own illness.  How she appeared to herself or others was irrelevant—her body was being starved and was in dire need of intervention.  Because of this experience and her work as the Senior Government Relations Assistant at the American Psychological Association in the areas of eating disorders and related issues, Joslyn has become an expert on countering mixed messages, which is why I felt it so important to have her as a guest on my show.

During our interview, Joslyn made many important points but this story contained one of the most profound:

I gave a presentation at work a couple weeks ago and I was mentioning to them about how we comment on other people’s weight just so nonchalantly.  I was giving an example of how I was at a reception when a colleague came up to me and said, “Hi!  This is such a fun event…you look great, have you lost weight?” 

Joslyn went on to explain to her co-workers how comments like that are really not useful and how she wishes she’d had the presence of mind in that moment to respond,

Trust me; I am much more interesting than my pant size or my weight.  There’s a lot more going on in my head and in my heart that you would like to know about…My weight and my size are such minimal parts of who I am as a person … isn’t there something else we can talk about?

Yesterday, I pre-recorded next Monday’s interview with Connie Sobczak, the Co-Founder and Co-Director of the The Body Positive [http://www.thebodypositive.org/] She has developed a peer-led body image program. She told the story of how one of her original groups of peer leaders decided they would go for one week without talking about their weight or their bodies with each other.  Connie reported that at the end of the week these students were stunned to discover that they had had very little to say to each other.

Let’s do that.  Let’s all take a vow right now to go from this Sunday—a day in the Christian tradition that signifies new beginnings—to next Saturday without talking about weight or body size, ours or others.  After all, our weight and our size are such minimal parts of who we are as people … isn’t there something else we can talk about?

Blessings until next time,

Doris 

Comments

[Erica]

I know this is a support site for parents, but I have been unable to locate one for siblings. I am 21 yrs old, and have an 18 yr old sister dying of cycles of anorexia and bulimia. She's been in and out of impatient treatment centers for 5 years, but she relapses within a week. My parents are so preoccupied with her, that I just can't bear to confess my own struggles with both anorexia and bulimia I've had over the past 3 years. I'm sure they are more intuitive than I want them to be, but they are hurting so badly that I don't want to add to their burden. I'm so lonely and hopeless...everything I do is controlled by ED (as we not-so-fondly refer to it). He's my best friend/worst enemy. I'm tired of wearing this mask, when inside I hate myself and everything I'm doing to my body. I feel powerless to it. And my sweet little sister...I don't know how much longer I can be strong for her when I'm about to break. She's my life, and I would do anything for her. I'm just too weak to go on.

[KaKi]

Hi. My daughter has just been diagnosed with an eating disorder. This is my second attempt at trying to find other mothers. I am struggling right now. She has been in therapy for 1 month and last week refused to go. It was a stressful week which ended in her tearful explosion. A break-through, I hope. Her feelings are so intense...I ache. Thanks for being here. Why can't we talk to those around us? Because then we might ruin our daughter's privacy. I guess.

[debra schleisnger]

Hi Doris,

How about interviewing me? I also lost a daughter to Anorexia and we met at the Conference. I would love to speak with you. Thank about it please. Hope you are well.

Debra Schlesinger