A few days ago I received an email from a young woman. Although she did not reveal her age, I had the sense that she may have been in high school or the early years of college. She has suffered with bulimia for several years. She wrote because she was in the process of reading our book, Andrea’s Voice: Silenced by Bulimia, and felt compelled to tell me that I was not the cause of Andrea’s eating disorder.
Early in the book I speak of the guilt I felt for the development of Andrea’s eating disorder. By the end of the book I have released my guilt and express a far different attitude around our experience with Andrea. I so appreciate those who have felt the need to write and assure me that I am not to blame. Often their own mothers have expressed similar feelings of guilt and again and again I hear that those who suffer, although they can see how familial dynamics may have played a role in their illness, want to relieve their family members of taking on that responsibility.
As I state on our web site this is a wise position. Attempting to place blame or uncover causes can actually waste not only valuable time but valuable energy. Energy needed to face and deal with the eating disorder.
The point of this young woman’s email was to put my fears to rest but there was a statement in her missive that leaped out at me. I have heard it repeated in hundreds of other emails as well as in countless conversations with those who suffer, “I don’t want to die but more than that, I don’t want to gain an ounce.”
I shared just that portion of the email with my radio show guest this week, Anita Johnston. I wanted to hear how someone with Anita’s unique approach to eating disorders would respond. Anita is the director of the Anorexia & Bulimia Center of Hawaii and wrote the groundbreaking book, Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationships with Food Through Myth, Metaphor, and Storytelling. Hence, her approach to healing includes the use of myth, metaphor and storytelling as the vehicle for transformation. Anita replied:
The difficulty a lot of people have with eating disorders is they think it’s about food and fat not the hidden meanings behind that. So for this individual I think it would be important for her to explore exactly what that means…what does an ounce mean to her? How would that affect her? Because again, we’re dealing with language here and you need to drop beneath the language.
I noted that it would be important to have a guide and Anita rejoined,
Oh absolutely, … it’s really hard to get beneath that by yourself and yet there are a lot of fabulous guides out there—it’s the difference between finding your way through the jungle all by yourself—you may be able to do it but gosh why would you when there’s an experienced guide right there who knows the trails and pitfalls and the twists and the turns and can get you right through.
Releasing guilt and “dropping beneath the language”—so much of what I’ve learned about understanding eating disorders depend on these abilities. Halting our search for “why” and instead focusing on the metaphors so that the eating disorder is not only seen from its surface but is also viewed from all angles especially its underbelly. As a parent, I know my child will be watching how well I do these two things—releasing my guilt and getting the deeper meanings from my own habitual statements and behaviors…more to come on that next week.
Blessings until next time,
Doris
I am the young woman who e-mailed you back in Februrary. I am 38 years old. During that time I went through radiation treatment for salivary gland cancer. That ended on April 4th by April 8th I was back in the hospital for a potassium level (1.9) and 91 pounds. It was really easy to blame the weight loss/tiredness on the radiation. Now people are saying things like you look like a skeleton. Trying to gain weight goes against every grain in me. It's going down again because the doctor checked it and called I just didn't call back. That whole avoid the issue. They sent the psych doctor into to talk to me but it always goes back to my dad leaving when I was 5 and I have resistance to blaming anyone else for my problems. It is an angry circle getting better means getting fat. I realize I need help and I went to your website searching for encouragement and came across this post. It definately tug at my heart. I just don't think by the time my mind will accept how bad it is, my body won't be able to pull itself out of it. Thank you for keeping up the good fight.
Lori
Posted by: Lori Copeman | August 06, 2008 at 02:27 PM