Continuation of last week’s posting…

In last week’s blog I promised to give more information on releasing guilt and getting the deeper meanings from our habitual statements and behaviors.  What I know, is that I cannot expect my child to do what I cannot.  I am the adult and I need to model adult behaviors.

As has often been said, “What I resist, persists.”  So the first step in releasing guilt is to stop resisting it.  Recognize it for what it is—a symptom that tells me that I am avoiding something I’d rather not look at—and then taking responsibility for my actions, apologizing for them if necessary and then moving forward.  The guilt I felt over my contribution to Andrea’s development of bulimia actually provided a convenient place for me to hide. It allowed me to avoid looking at or expressing the anger I felt towards the eating disorder, or her, and it allowed me to maintain my denial of the fact that the illness I saw as “Andrea’s” really belonged to the entire family.

In an article I once read on guilt and other “negative” emotions I found the following passage helpful:

We all have bits of behavior that are dark. That doesn¹t mean that we are evil or bad, but that we are merely human. One purpose of the negative emotions is to help us look at some aspect of ourselves that is incongruent with our deepest values and understanding of what it means to be human. Symptoms such as guilt, shame and resulting anger are merely the indicator lights of our body that [tells us] something needs adjustment. Negative symptoms show us where our life is out of balance. They give us a place to start doing some detective work on ourselves. 1

“Detective work” on me is also needed when I attempt to understand the deeper meanings of my habitual statements and behaviors.  This is when a non-judgmental attitude is paramount.  If I am going to investigate something this deep, I must maintain an attitude of sincere curiosity.  Asking the question, what might be the message of this behavior for me?  What in my life “needs adjustment?” Just as my daughter is searching for something to satisfy what feels to her as an insatiable hunger—what is it I hunger for?  With emotional detachment, I can observe my responses to life and then study the data collected from those observations to determine whether or not how I am in the world matches how I want to be in the world.

Understanding the purpose of my guilt or actions may not be enough. Dr. Anita Johnston states that those who suffer with eating disorders must not only understand the purpose of the illness but they must develop three essential skills in order to recover:

1.   Proprioceptive Awareness: being able to read your body precisely so that you know your hunger and fullness signals, which are actual physical sensations in your body.  “I feel like pizza” is not a physical sensation. [Being able to] find those physical experiences that inform you, such as knowing when you need to rest and when you need to move your body and when you need to go to the bathroom—these are basic instincts that register within our bodies.

2.  Assertiveness: …the capacity to express your feelings towards somebody in a way that honors your needs and feelings and honors the needs and feelings of the other person. It’s a way of speaking your truth in the kindest way possible, but speaking it nonetheless. 

3. Developing the capacity to self-soothe…is the “inner mother.”  Think of “mother” as a verb—mothering—which is nurture and comfort. One of the things that happen is that we often confuse the physical symbol of mothering—the concrete mothering, which is food, with the desire to be comforted, so we call it “comfort food.” The problem is that’s just like somebody confusing the American flag with freedom. You can have a thousand American flags in your house and not feel [freer] because it’s simply the symbol of what you’re wanting. So it is that food can become the symbol for the desire of mothering which is nurture and comfort.

[Hence] one of the skills someone needs to develop is ways of comforting and soothing themselves so that they create a strong “inner mother” that serves as an antenna to bring in mothering that’s all around them. You can get mothering from Mother Nature, you can get mothering from your dog, you can get mothering from your spouse, you can get mothering from the friend next door—it’s an energetic, not something physical. 2

Dr. Johnston’s essential skills are just as important for me to develop as a parent as they are for my child who suffers with an eating disorder. These skills will help me in releasing my guilt and in my capacity to look at the deeper meanings of my actions and words.

Blessings until next time,

Doris

[1] Lynne Namka, Ed. D., “Anger can be a Cover Up for Guilt, Shame and Vulnerability,” 2002.
[2] Anita Johnston interview with Doris Smeltzer on VoiceAmerica Internet radio show, Savor Yourself…beyond skin deep. Show’s title: “Healing Through Myth, Metaphor and Storytelling” February 11, 2008. Archived at: http://www.modavox.com/voiceamericacms/WebModules/HostModaview.aspx?ShowId=753&BroadcastId=27260&ScheduleTime=13&Flag=1 

Comments

[JEP]

Thank you for this thoughtful & powerful message---it was really helpful to read this today!

[Rowenna Menzies]

Thankyou for your message.
To read more about eating disorders please go to:
www.grahammenziesfoundation.com then click blog.
Your comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou, Wenna

[Rowenna Menzies]

Thankyou for your message.
To read more about eating disorders please go to:
www.grahammenziesfoundation.com then click blog.
Your comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou, Wenna