“Truth Without Judgment” 1

 In a number of my previous blogs I’ve talked about the importance of listening and responding to our children without judgment.  Until yesterday I did not have a succinct way to describe what that looks like. 

On Monday’s radio show I had a delightful interview with Carolyn Costin, MA, MEd, MFT, a top-notch therapist in the treatment of eating disorders for over 25 years. Carolyn is also a well-known national speaker and author of numerous books including The Eating Disorder Source Book, Your Dieting Daughter and 100 Questions and Answers About Eating Disorders. She founded and directs The Eating Disorder Center of California and Monte Nido and RainRock Residential Treatment Centers.

The topic of learning how to communicate without judgment came up. Carolyn gave the most beautiful explanation I’ve heard.  She described what at Monte Nido they call “truth without judgment.”

Carolyn explained that when people do things we don’t like or say or do something we find hurtful the key is to respond in a way that allows both parties to stay in relationship with each other.  So if I am reacting to something my child said or did I need to as Carolyn said, “Center [my]self, be completely balanced, take some deep breaths … wait until the next day if [I] have to.”

What am I waiting for?  Until all the “energy and charge” around the issue is gone for me.  As you can imagine, this is the tricky part…if I haven’t done a lot of work on myself around releasing anger, waiting for the “charge” to dissipate can take a very long time.  Carolyn assures us though that “once you start doing it, it so reinforces itself!” 

When I sit with my child to have this discussion I want to state my truth:  this is what happened and this is how it affected me.  If I can state those two things sans judgment (Carolyn says we’ll know if the charge is gone if our pulse isn’t racing and our heart isn’t beating out of our chest) it will be easier for my child to hear what I’m saying—she will more likely respond to me rather than being swept away by and reacting to my anger.  Carolyn tells clients that she “leaves the judgment to a higher being...” 

Carolyn gave a number of examples of “truth without judgment” when working with clients.  It seemed that the important point in each example was that she accepted wherever her client was in that moment—she had no need to convince or argue.  If a client said, “I don’t want to get better.” Carolyn would respond, “OK let’s talk about that—you don’t have to, you don’t have to recover.”  She would then attempt to find something they could agree to work on, “Maybe we can agree that you want to stay out of the hospital”—making sure that the client’s desire was recognized, respected and not judged.

She quoted the book, Stand Like Mountain, Slow Like Water where the author Brian Seaward teaches, “The ego reacts…the soul responds”—thus a non-reactive response becomes a soulful experience and a reactive response an egoic experience.  When I think back on the times I responded to my daughter instead of reacting, those conversations do indeed feel more soulful. 

Blessings until next time,

Doris

1 Phrase from interview with Carolyn Costin, Monday, January 28, 2008 on the VoiceAmerica Internet Radio show “Savor Yourself…beyond skin deep” hosted by Doris Smeltzer. See Jan 17 blog entry for link to radio show.

Comments

[CEDquiz]

Thanks for sharing advice on how to approach and support someone who is suffering from an eating disorder. Because it can sometimes be difficult to tell which specific behaviors are characteristic of someone having an eating disorder, I want to suggest an anonymous tool from the Center for Eating Disorders for any readers who may have questions about eating disorders. www.eatingdisorder.org/about_eating_disorders/resources/quiz.php. As the most common eating disorders are Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia, this is a good place to get more information on other eating disorders and the right treatment for them.