Advice for Parents

Ch… ch… ch… changes…

The holidays are past and the New Year looms ahead with its promise of a “clean slate.”  Our daughter Jocelyn has returned home at long last after nearly six months of hospitalization due to Guillain-Barré.  I have begun “renovation” on our family room—after 20 years it was long overdue for some paint and rearranging to allow us to utilize the room better. 

I choose life

PK, a reader of this blog, commented on my posting of last week:

For me, I'm trying to find, after 29 years with this disorder, a reason to believe it can kill me.

So, if, many girls die after 3 months, 1 month 1year ... and I'm sitting at 29 years, what is so awful bad about it? Why can I not continue down this path? …

So fighting for that golden ring of "fight for my life" that is so often needed for recovery ...is a bit harder ...

PK bravely shares the health struggles beyond the eating disorder and how through them all, her doctor has remained optimistic.  But that has changed with her “last 2 lab reports.”  Now her doctor is “scared.”

Our daughter’s lab work always came back “normal” even shortly before her death.  I’ve found that with eating disorders indicators of trouble often show in blood last.  This may explain the deep concern of PK’s physician, but what about her “golden ring” of finding a reason to fight for her life?

After about a year of grieving Andrea’s death I had decided I could no longer take the pain.  It appeared to me that the only way out was to end my life.  My husband and one remaining daughter gave me all the reasons for why I needed to continue living, the most important two being them.  I was able to counter every one of their reasons—all that mattered to me was putting an end to my agonizing pain.  In my deep unconsciousness I had become the sorrow—it was my new identity.  I could not make a conscious choice because I was unconscious and stuck in my relentless grief.

One day, instead of arguing with me about why my life mattered, a wise friend asked, “Is there a reason to live that would be good enough for you?”  In that question I saw the reflection of the choice I was making.  I realized that if I was going to choose to die it had better be a conscious one made by ME, not by my sorrow or my pain or my circumstances, but by the “me” that is worthy of life simply because I am.

I have consciously chosen to live a joyous life.  Does this life still contain unhappiness and pain?  Yes.  But as Andrea proclaimed in our book's final poem, “BUT--the joy is in there…between questions, between lines...” 1

So I ask you, PK, Is there a reason to live that would be good enough for you?

Blessings until next time,
Doris

1 Smeltzer, Doris and Andrea.  Andrea's Voice: Silenced by Bulimia. (Carlsbad, CA: Gurze Books, 2006) http://www.gurze.com/productdetails.cfm?SKU=ANV

A reason to believe

In Karen Carpenter’s song, “Reason to Believe” she sang, “…you lied straight-faced while I cried.  Yet I look to find a reason to believe…” 

All week I’ve been pondering number five in the “spiritual nurturance” list mentioned in my November 26th posting.  It asked, “Do you trust your intuition when making decisions and using your own judgment?”

When our loved one who suffers with an eating disorder, or any addiction for that matter, “lies straight-faced” there is often a gut feeling that tells us something is amiss.  Yet we so want to “find a reason to believe.”  If we have allowed ourselves to become overwhelmed with fear, our intuition feels as if it has taken a holiday.  I know for me I vacillated between ignoring my gut and being so disembodied that my “gut’s” warnings of, “Andrea is not OK, no matter what she may say!” went unheard and unheeded.

How do we come to trust our intuition…our gut feelings?  I find that first I must get some rest and then I need to be open to whatever comes—without stifling or judging.  If I remain conscious and do not become reactive I can then hear my inner self’s wisdom and can trust that what it says is true.  Not an easy task but a necessary skill when our child suffers with an eating disorder.

Blessings until next time,

Doris