Advice for Parents by Doris Smeltzer

A movement toward change

Recently I was interviewed on the “Life After Loss” radio show.  The program focused on eating disorders and the work my husband and I do through our non-profit foundation AndreasVoice.org.  A listener had emailed his question ahead of time.  He stated:

“My daughter won’t eat and she keeps losing weight. I don’t believe in eating disorders I think she is just trying to get attention. I told my wife to just ignore her and she’ll get over this.”

In my answer I attempted to address how very real eating disorders are but this is not an uncommon attitude—seeing eating disordered behavior as a phase or attempt for attention. It is a troubling misunderstanding that is difficult to eradicate.  There are so many misunderstandings that are difficult to rectify.

I teach in a school district in northern California.  Just yesterday I received an email from a concerned counselor at one of our middle schools.  Evidently there is a teacher attempting to organize a “Biggest Loser” diet contest among all interested staff at the four district middle schools.  Wisely, the counselor attempted to reframe it for the organizer by suggesting that their contest not focus on weight but on eating well and moving bodies to attain fitness.  The response from the teacher stated that the counselor had misunderstood their goal. They wanted to merely “raise awareness of living a healthy life” by losing weight.

I would imagine that many of those who believe that dieting is synonymous with “healthy living” may also believe that eating disorders are attention getting devices.  The father’s radio show comment was frightening. What these colleagues are attempting to do is also frightening.  How will our children ever learn to accept themselves as they are, if the adults around them hold competitions on who can alter their physicality the most through dieting?

On days like today, it is tempting for me to allow myself to become discouraged.  How can I change the thinking of the world?  Then I remember to breathe deeply and realize that the only person whose thinking I can alter is my own.  If each of we parents do that in a visible way we will create a powerful movement toward change. 

Blessings until next time,

Doris 

Glad to be back

Let me begin by expressing my sincerest thanks to Gürze and the Readers of this blog for your patience with me during this four month hiatus.  Our family has been walking a journey of unique and often bizarre challenges since July 1st.  On that day, our daughter Jocelyn entered the emergency room, three months pregnant and extremely ill with blurred vision, vomiting and a splitting headache.  When a “code blue” was called because she had stopped breathing we had no idea what was going on nor where it would lead us.

After three weeks a diagnosis was finally arrived at: the Miller-Fisher Variant of Guillane-Barré Syndrom—a mysterious and rare autoimmune condition which can be triggered by an influenza virus.  Jocelyn had the flu just days before.

Within hours of arriving in the Intensive Care Unit our daughter’s body transformed from vibrancy to complete paralysis with excruciating pain.  For the first month and a half the only part of her body that could move was her right eyelid.  We devised an “eye blinking” spelling system so that we could communicate with each other.  Jocelyn could not breathe without assistance and the tracheotomy did not allow her to speak.  Although frozen within her body, Jocelyn has been completely cognizant throughout this time.

The good news:  We expect a full recovery.  It is just a very slow process.  Our daughter’s goal is to regain enough arm and hand movement to allow for her to hold her daughter, Trinity Anne, when she arrives in eight weeks.

I’ve spent nearly every other night in the hospital with Jocelyn in 24-hour shifts.  Because her care has become far less intense, I’ve had some time to reflect on all that I’ve learned through this experience.  I awoke in the hospital this morning at 3 AM with the realization that these are the lessons I wish I’d learned prior to the development of Andrea’s eating disorder.

I share my learnings with you but do so with a big caveat:  I failed miserably at each one of them before finally allowing them to change my behavior.  I also know I may need to relearn them at a later date if I allow myself to forget:

·    Eckhart Tolle in his book The Power of Now states that when faced with a difficult life situation we have three choices:  1. Change it   2.  Leave it.  If our efforts to change or leave it fail or we cannot do either of these we must   3.  Accept it fully without judgment or complaint.  Number three is the only viable option for me.  When I accept my “new reality” I find I am not as tense.  This is what is.

·    When fear enters my being I return to the present moment and remind myself that I must deal only with what is before me right now.  I cannot change the past and I do not need to worry about the future. (This one is required many times every day).

·    We each respond to crises in our own way.  If I am the recipient of anger I need to recognize the fear and pain that are at its root.  In this way I maintain compassion and do not respond in kind.

·    No one can make me feel anything.  I choose how to respond to each situation:  my feelings are mine and I abdicate my power if I “blame” someone else for causing them.

·    In the same vane, I also control how I interpret events:  I can paint them with brightness, shades of gray or utter darkness.  I choose brightness. This is all I control.

From the beginning of this experience I knew that I could lose my one remaining child—there is nothing that makes me immune to life happening.  I also knew that if I kept myself open there were lessons I could learn, no matter the outcome.  I am so very grateful though that our daughter is healing.  I wish that for all parents whose children suffer with eating disorders.

Blessings until next time,

Doris