Advice for Parents

Walking on fire...

A few weeks ago I interviewed Jessica Weiner on my radio show Savor Yourself…beyond skin deep.  Jess is an Author, Self-Esteem Expert, and Advice Columnist as well as the global ambassador for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund (http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/).  She has recovered from an eating disorder and her books, A Very Hungry Girl and Life Doesn't Begin 5 Pounds From Now, are amazingly funny and poignant.  When Jess sent me her bio for the press release of the show one line intrigued me.  It read:  “When [Jess] is not busy changing the world, this dynamo likes to walk on fire!”

Putting our thoughts down

We begin each of the high school body image support groups I facilitate by doing a “check-in” with students in the circle.  Once each student has shared how they "feel" in their bodies that day a theme often emerges.  Last week’s groups were no different.

A number of students talked about how their entire day had been ruined by comments people made about their bodies or their physical appearance.  Although this is an experience not unique to high school it seems that at times it can occur with a bit more vehemence there than with older age groups.

My food choices: A private affair

Last week was spring break.  Tom and I took a much needed vacation—a few days in glorious Carmel Valley with nothing to do but read books and rest.  Although a delightful time, one event stands out in my mind.

On our third night we visited a newly opened restaurant—very upbeat and crowded with locals who were thrilled to have a fresh haunt for meals out.  We were seated in a cozy corner outside where comfy cushioned wicker chairs surrounded a round table with a center open fire pit.  Due to this casual arrangement, there were two couples seated close by on either side of us.  To our right sat a young college aged couple on what looked like a first date.  To our left sat two women friends celebrating one of their birthdays.

What will we talk about?

Last week I interviewed a dear friend on my radio show.  I must first give a bit of background.  Joslyn Smith and I connected soon after Andrea died.  At that time, Joslyn was a student at Scripps College and Andrea had been a student at Pitzer.  These two campuses share acreage with the three other Claremont Colleges in southern California:  Harvey Mudd, Claremont McKenna and Pomona.  Because they are a related consortium their students share professors and classes.  That’s how Joslyn and Andrea met…through a shared class.

Given what I know now…

While keynoting at an eating disorder coalition gathering in Florida last week, an audience member asked what I’d do differently as a parent given what I know now.

This is a question I am asked often so I know that it’s been a topic of previous blogs yet each time my answer differs slightly.  On this day I told her, first that I now understand I did not cause Andrea’s eating disorder.  I also stated that I no longer feel guilt for my daughter’s death—I’d done the best I could with what I knew at the time.  Yet there are things I’d do differently today.

Becoming savvy on the media

On Saturday I trained 10 new Peer Leaders in the Body Positive Curriculum (http://www.thebodypositive.org).  During this training, I always share Jean Kilbourn’s DVD, “Killing Us Softly III.”  (http://www.mediaed.org/videos/MediaGenderAndDiversity/KillingUsSoftly3) It shows, disturbingly, the negative ways the media portrays women.  This movie is eight years old, which obviously dates many of the ads featured, but for me that just adds to its power.  What a delight it would be if when viewing these old magazine and television advertisements we could proclaim, “Wow!  Look how far we’ve come!”  Sadly, that is not the case.  Women models are thinner than ever before and men are now included as the targets for the bombardment of weight-loss ads.

Unconditional acceptance

I facilitate a peer-led body image support group at one of our local high schools.  Every week I am stunned when I listen to the pain the students bring to group around “body.”  This group averages about 17 attendees each week—they come because of their own needs so this is not a representative “sampling” of the campus or community by any means, but the thing that saddens me the most in this group is the pain and agony caused by the comments and actions of their parents around food, weight, body size, and looks.

Continuation of last week’s posting…

In last week’s blog I promised to give more information on releasing guilt and getting the deeper meanings from our habitual statements and behaviors.  What I know, is that I cannot expect my child to do what I cannot.  I am the adult and I need to model adult behaviors.

Musings on guilt and metaphor…

A few days ago I received an email from a young woman.  Although she did not reveal her age, I had the sense that she may have been in high school or the early years of college.  She has suffered with bulimia for several years.  She wrote because she was in the process of reading our book, Andrea’s Voice: Silenced by Bulimia, and felt compelled to tell me that I was not the cause of Andrea’s eating disorder.

“Truth Without Judgment” 1

 In a number of my previous blogs I’ve talked about the importance of listening and responding to our children without judgment.  Until yesterday I did not have a succinct way to describe what that looks like. 

On Monday’s radio show I had a delightful interview with Carolyn Costin, MA, MEd, MFT, a top-notch therapist in the treatment of eating disorders for over 25 years. Carolyn is also a well-known national speaker and author of numerous books including The Eating Disorder Source Book, Your Dieting Daughter and 100 Questions and Answers About Eating Disorders. She founded and directs The Eating Disorder Center of California and Monte Nido and RainRock Residential Treatment Centers.