One of the hardest parts of recovering from an eating disorder is finding and maintaining the desire, motivation and will to recover. In March when I blogged about a friend I called “Jane” (Knowing when to express concern about a friend’s eating disorder), her anorexia had taken a turn for the worse and she was scared. She was on the verge of seeking in-patient treatment, but was having a hard time committing to what she knew would be an extremely difficult and destabilizing process.
Today, almost three months later, Jane is still struggling with the decision. Last week, she admitted to me, “I kind of lost my way again.” A month before that, she wrote,
My doctor is going away for 2 weeks and he wants me to go to Renfrew [treatment center], but it is a very difficult decision to make. Even though I UNDERSTAND that if something/someone can help me, it is me - making a leap and just going there. Honestly, I do not see any other real way out for myself. And it is getting more and more difficult to deal with. I just have to push myself to Renfrew so they will give me a push to start my life all over again. As a different person. It is kind of scary, 'cause I do not know who this person will be. You know what I mean? Too much was invested into the person I am now, even though it was all negative.
Jane’s dilemma is wrenching but not uncommon. It got me thinking about motivation, and how we can help motivate family and loved ones to take the leap of faith required to enter treatment. Marcia uses a technique called Motivational Interviewing (MI). I thought that the basic techniques of MI might be of interest to many of you. The idea behind MI is that the impetus to change has to come from the eating-disorder sufferer herself. The best thing you can do is help move her toward positive change by helping resolve the ambivalence she feels about abandoning a behavior that has become who she is.
This site, Motivational Interviewing: resources for clinicians, researchers and trainers offers a lot of good information. The “interaction techniques” page offers a handy acronym that captures the fundamental techniques of MI: OARS: (1) Open-ended questions, (2) Affirmations, (3) Reflective listening and (4) Summaries. The rowboat oars image, the site explains, “gives us power to move, yet it is not a powerboat. We don't zip from one place to another, yet with sustained effort OARS can take us a long way.
I like the way this introductory page differentiates between the MI techniques that therapists use and the spirit of MI, which you can absorb and try to keep in mind as you talk to your eating-disordered loved one. Here’s a very condensed version of the information on the site:
· Motivation has to come from the person himself, not from outside. There’s no room for coercion, bribing, cajoling or guilt-tripping. You want to mobilize your loved one’s values and goals to stimulate change.
· It’s your loved one’s task to voice and resolve his ambivalence. You may try to facilitate this process with open-ended questions.
· Your job is not one of direct persuasion. Usually this just leads to increased resistance.
· MI is a quiet asking and listening technique. Forget about aggressive confrontation or arguing: these are the opposite of motivational. This technique may seem slow and passive, but the change comes when your loved one is really ready, not because you’ve forced the issue.
· Your job is directive, meaning you are there to help your loved one zero in on the cause of her ambivalence about healing and resolve that deep divide over wanting and yet being afraid of the task of recovery
· Readiness to change is not always a permanent condition, it comes and goes with different interpersonal interactions. Your loved one’s resistance might be a sign that you’re assuming he’s ready when he’s not yet there. Be patient.
· Think of your relationship to the loved one you are helping not as a parent-child or other hierarchical relationship, but as a partner or companion relationship. Respect your loved one’s freedom of choice. Until she decides she wants to change, it is not going to happen.
Nancy
Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto, co-authors of The Parent’s Guide to Eating Disorders: Supporting Self-Esteem, Healthy Eating & Positive Body Image at Home, Gūrze Books,www.childhoodeatingdisorders.com.