Recovery Matters by Leslie E Murray

Give yourself permission not to be perfect

Perfectionism is a cancer whose victims often find themselves trapped in escalating demands that cannot be met.  For many individuals with eating disorders, perfectionism can lead to a worsening of disordered eating.  Until this cycle is recognized and interrupted, a source of unease will remain.

Admittedly, telling someone "There is no such thing as perfect" doesn't generally cease their pursuit.  While "no body's perfect" is a common phrase, saying this to someone may be hurtful due to the effort spent and high value placed on being perfect.  

Working with your therapist to get out of the "rat race" of perfectionism and beginning to understand your needs to be exacting and precise will be helpful.  Be kind to yourself and forgive mistakes.  Some great worksheets addressing perfectionism are located at this link.  Try telling yourself that mistakes are okay and part of the human experience.  They are, after all.

 

Peace be with you.

Don't take anything personally

 

Seriously.

Easier said than done.  I wish I could claim credit for this golden nugget of knowledge, but it's from the book, "The Four Agreements."  I got the book as a gift for finishing a course of study and heard this again from a wise teacher.  Did I learn this lesson right away?  Of course not.  I'm human.  The other important point I got out of there being a book about this topic is that many people do this!

I mentioned that it is important to truly understand our make up and take inventory of our potential liabilities and can make them strengths.  Practice "patience pauses."  I remember the media once complaining that the President hadn't responded on an issue. He stated that he would rather make an "educated response."  That's what we should aim for, to educate ourselves and not make hair trigger responses to stimuli in our world.  

"Patience pauses" are the split seconds that allow us to substitute our gut emotional reaction for a neutral reaction until we can figure things out.  A simple, "Let me think about that",  "I need to get back to you" or "Actually, this isn't a good time."  This saves us from making decisions or statements that we may not really wish to make.  

Use “I” statements. 

Don’t put yourself down. 

Don’t use excuses or blame others. 

Offer any possible alternatives

Word of caution...Don't spend a lot of time reflecting on what someone meant in their statement.  Let it go.  Imagine a sifter that will keep the good parts and let the bad fall through.  Let yourself move on.  It doesn't mean that nothing will ever hurt again, but hopefully you can control your reaction to the event a wee bit better.  We are never responsible for the actions of others.  We cannot change them, our duty is to ourselves.  

 

Peace be with you.

Self Acceptance

 

It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but my own. - Noel Coward

 

Learning to accept your body is a necessary step in the recovery path.  If it seems that this is difficult, you may be tempted to think that you could accept yourself at a certain weight, if a certain body part was more toned, or even if you had plastic surgery performed!  Acceptance in your mind may even hinge upon receiving approval from outside sources or other forces that are out of your control.  Despite the sometimes daily fight that may be blamed on your clothes, mirrors or the scale, I contend that the true fight is with your mind.

I often think of how easy it is at times to accept others for who/what they are. For the majority of people, judgmental voices and thoughts do not carry over to the point that it is impossible to tolerate the imperfections of others.  Yet, if we were to have the same imperfections or to make similar mistakes, it may feel unbearable.  Why the different set of rules?

When I got my cat several years ago from a shelter, I looked for a cat that was social and liked to play.  As a bonus I found out that my cat knew how to fetch a ball!  The workers explained to me that my cat had a traumatic event and her tail was damaged.  I hadn't noticed before it was pointed out to me.  Her tail remains short, and she doesn't like it to be touched at times.  People may ask about her tail, but I never think about it, because it's just the way she is.  I like her as is. 

Self acceptance doesn't mean there's never room for improvement, it just means that there is greater happiness and peace in life.  It means being open to being loved by others because of self-love and feeling worthy.  

 

Peace be with you.

 

 

Making Recovery Happen

 

Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right. - Henry Ford

 

One of the questions often asked is, "Is full recovery possible, and is it possible for me?"  I answer with another question..."Do you believe that is possible?"  

It is important that people with eating disorders learn more about themselves and their thought patterns. Your own thoughts are sometimes the vehicles that are putting the brakes on recovery.  

People with eating disorders tend to share personality traits that can nurturing and protective of others, yet may lack the necessary self soothing skills they need to keep themselves safe.  Learning those skills can be done, but it requires bravery and a willingness to believe in yourself and your ability to succeed.

If you look carefully at yourself, will you find out that you're giving safe harbor to thoughts that are impeding your recovery?  While it may be natural to experience self doubt at times; overgeneralizing, magical thinking, catastrophizing, disqualifying the positives and personalizing situations can hinder the recovery process.  

Learn about these distortions and potential pitfalls.  If they arise in the future, you'll be able to dispute these thoughts with fact based evidence.

 

Peace be with you.

 

 

The core of the matter

 

At this time, there are several therapeutic modalities used in the treatment of eating disorders.  The most widely used are cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), family based therapy (FBT), Interpersonal therapy (IPT) and cognitive remediation therapy (CMT).  Other therapies also used art, psychodrama and occupational and recreational therapies.  Some of these therapies can be used on an individual or group basis.  Your therapist will choose the right therapy or combination of therapies for you.

In CBT, the goal of the therapy is to help you become more cognizant of how emotions and beliefs affect your actions.  In CBT, the patient works with the therapist to identify belief systems that perpetuate the targeted behavior.  CBT is an active therapy because it asks the patient to examine the thoughts that occur in conjunction with situations.  This ability will help elucidate underlying or core beliefs.

Core beliefs are thought to develop early in life and can center around feelings of worth.  This may be expressed through sense of adequacy, imperfection, being lovable and accepted, or intelligence,  Beliefs are also based on life experience.  

If you were told that you have good visual-spatial skills, you probably will be more likely to try to read maps, give directions and go new places.  Successes will serve to reinforce this belief.  It will be easier to discount negative experiences because of your belief in your abilities.  Someone who was not cultivated in such a manner may have more difficulty if they attempted to go places and got lost.  A negative belief may be internalized given multiple failed experiences, temperament and outside influences.  

While we may not know our core beliefs automatically, paying attention to the themes/refrains in our self-talk, journaling, and interactions with others will help reveal them.  Working though CBT will also allow the examination of our pattern of thinking which can be self defeating.  These patterns, called cognitive distortions will be discussed shortly.

I welcome you to the discussion of CBT and I wish you a pleasant week!

 

Peace be with you.

 

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/minorities_and_men/

 

Saturday Reflection and Renewal

Happy Saturday!

How quickly the time goes.  This week, take time to review the past lessons and honor yourself.  Give yourself quiet time and practice self care.  Trust your natural instincts, not the eating disorder voice.  Use the advice that you would give to others for yourself this week.  Put yourself first.  Make certain your needs are being met.  I wish you happiness this week.

 

Reflection guide:

What will you be doing?  Take time to give yourself praise for your successes over the past week.  Congratulate yourself for your progress and yes small achievements.  Praise yourself for being brave enough to attempt this journey.  Write 4 goals for next week and 4 goals for the future.  If you made goals in the past, review them.  Share your list with your treatment team.

How will you do this?  Pick a time when you will not be interrupted.  I tend to favor morning hours for reflection, but you can set your time at noon.  Find a quiet space where you will not be interrupted.  You may sit in a chair with your feet firmly planted on the ground and your hands in your lap or you may sit on the floor if you are sitting on a pillow or soft surface.

Why will you do this?  In order to get in the habit of doing something new, we have to do it regularly.  Recovery comes when we when achieve a greater understand of our strengths and weaknesses and learn how they affect our daily lives.

Recovery is a dynamic process.  You will grow and change along the way.  Include others (spouse, family, and friends) to help support you along the way.  Learning what works can be very individualized and reflection/meditation can aid this process. 

Please remember what Albert Einstein said, "The only person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."    

 

Peace be with you.

 

Saturday Reflection and Renewal, week 5

 Happy Saturday! As we enter week 5 of our practice, I thought it important to start considering what may be roadblocks to recovery.  When embarking on a recovery path, people often know what disordered eating behaviors will need to be targeted, but it isn't always easy to identify the cognitions that accompany and continue to fuel an eating disorder.  The first roadblock I'd like to discuss is the feeling about one's eating disorder diagnosis.

Admittedly, I could write books about this subject.  With a diagnosis can come a sense of camaraderie, shame, denial, pride, or even victory.  For some, like any other illness the diagnosis can even be shocking.

I've noticed a resistance to being diagnosed or a disappointment with one's diagnosis.  "I can't really be "X" because I don't "X" ."  There are often beliefs in hierarchies of illnesses.  In actuality, all eating disorders are deadly and competition with others should be quashed. 

No one can "take your eating disorder away from you."  But remember, despite how it feels, it is not tangible or fungible (worth money or services).  It is an illness, not an identity.  Recently, there was a conversation on a listserv on which a participate discussing the merits on clarifying the use of our words to describe people who have eating disorders.  Should it matter if we say "anorexics" or "people with anorexia?"  

I think it does.

Your eating disorder is not your identity.  It is time to imagine a new life without such constraints.  What are your feeling about your diagnosis?  How does it impact your recovery?  Remember, there is another life waiting for you after your eating disorder.  It's okay to go and discover it.

Tuesday time outs

I'm hoping you took time out today to pause and reflect.  

Congratulate yourself for the bravery to engage in this process.  How is the week going for you so far?  Find your list of goals and take time to review your them.  Are these the things that you are finding important for this week or are you finding yourself dealing with other struggles?  Modify according.

Remember, we often learn more from our struggles and mistakes than from things that come easily. 

Keep working, be gentle with yourself and stay mindful of your body's needs.

 

 

 

Saturday Reflection and Renewal, week 4

 As we enter week four of our weekly reflection, I'm happy to announce that it will now become a twice weekly practice.  Try to fit a short pause in your schedule on Tuesdays.  If possible, wake up early or turn the television and music off and let the time be yours alone.

Learning to recover is like a learning to speak a new language.  You have to be flexible enough to let go of the rules about what you think you know, and be trusting to try something new.  There will be the need to practice new sounds and concepts aloud.  

Recently, there was a question about whether affirmations work.  Many people who use affirmations like to post them prominently.  This reminded me of how I learned foreign languages.  My classes utilized an immersion method.  No english.  Everything in the room was labelled.  So I labelled everything in my house. Even without the signs I can still imagine the words and recall the language.  

Words can have power.  Seeing the word "hope" everyday will eventually inspire.  It is also acceptable to post phrases or concepts that you are working on accepting eg: fluctuations.  This is your practice.  It is what you make of it.

This week, consider writing down affirmations and posting them about the house where you will see them everyday.  Put them on your mirror, refrigerator, doors, in the bathroom, etc.  

 

Fasting, Prayer and Eating Disorders

Today is Ash Wednesday, marking the first day of Lent.  Recently, I was asked about the significance of the day, and casually said, "Oh fasting, prayer and you get your ashes."  It was of interest to my friend what the fast entailed.  While I answered, I realized that I personally wasn't as interested in the fast as the significance of the action. I also realized that I modify the fast according to my body's needs.

I am concerned about possible misuse of religion to further disordered eating.  As we move into a time of religious seasons that include fasting, please do not omit foods in the name of religion.  There can be a sense among some that "perfect" fasting and "cleansing" will bring a sense of purity.  That is false, and it is disordered thought.  It will only further illness.  The "heavenly lights" you see will likely not be ethereal in nature, but from an emergency trauma room after you've fainted.

I do not recommend that someone with an eating disorder of any type (AN, BN, BED, ED-NOS) engage in fasting or deprive themselves of food.  Do not go on diets for Lent.  Do not decide that G-d wants you to stop eating meat or chocolate.

Love your body everyday.  If your religion is of comfort to you, use this time to become closer to it.  Everything in moderation.  Resolve to do one good thing for yourself daily.  Try saying something kind to yourself while standing in the mirror.  Remind yourself of your strengths that aren''t tied to beauty.

Instead of taking something away from your life, add something positive and loving.  People diagnosed with eating disorders are already masters of punishing themselves, there is no need to practice this anymore.  It is time to practice self love.  Take warm baths, style your hair, and get plenty of sleep.  Go to a movie or sporting event with a friend.

You do not have to explain to others why you are not fasting.  Fasts should not be undertaken by those with illnesses.  Time to start taking care of yourself today.  Reach out for support from the National Eating Disorders Association and local ANAD groups.

I would direct you to follow Dr. Michelle Lelwica, a fellow blogger, theologian and someone who has written a wonderful book about intersection of weight and religion.

 

Peace be with you.

 

http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/minorities_and_men/