Life with Cake: ED Recovery Blog by Greta Gleissner

I Feel Fat… HOW to Feel Better in Your Body!

 I cannot tell you how many times throughout my life—especially during the seventeen years I struggled with bulimia—I said the phrase, I feel fat. I could be having a perfectly pleasant day, only to suddenly find myself drowning in negative body image. Sometimes the trigger was situational, like putting on a pair of jeans that just came out of the dryer, feeling overly full after a meal, or catching a glimpse of myself in a storefront window while shopping. At other times, a more insidious, pervasive type of body dissatisfaction prevailed in that nothing triggered the feeling. It was as if the feeling seeped into my skin and, in an instant, I felt like X body part had tripled in size even though, rationally, I knew that wasn’t possible. I feel fat, three words that were seemingly benign when standing solo, for years had the potential to ruin my day (and my sanity) when aligned to form a complete sentence.

Given Western culture, where success is defined by one’s ability to fit into society’s prescribed and unrealistic ideal of perfection, it isn’t surprising that a large percentage of women have body image issues. The overvaluation of extreme thinness and devaluation of internal beauty penetrates every media outlet. So, wherever you go, whatever television show you watch, and every billboard or magazine you read, the message is clear. You can never be thin enough. Because of this ideology, you certainly do not have to have an eating disorder to have body image issues. With so much societal pressure, there were many times when I felt hopeless that I would ever feel good in my body. I would be misrepresenting myself if I said that I never experience body image issues. However, I’m here to tell you that there is hope! Below are some tools that helped me along the way in my body image recovery. Tools that can help you feel better about your body in an instant!

1.)  ACKNOWLEDGE and IDENTIFY: When I notice that I feel fat feeling, the first thing I do is recognize that I am having the feeling. The second thing I realize is that fat is NOT a feeling. The phrase is actually a thought. Furthermore, “feeling” fat is often easier than feeling angry, hurt, lonely, etc. That leads me to wonder in what way my emotions may be making me feel emotionally full or fat. I try to first identify what is going on for me emotionally.

2.)  CHOOSE: I remind myself that when my negative voice tries to disrupt my happiness with intrusive body image thoughts, I have a choice in how I respond to those thoughts. I can choose to listen to the thoughts and fuel self-hatred, or I can choose to change the thoughts and reinforce self-love.

3.)  MAKE A DECISION: After I recognize I have a choice not to feel badly about my body, I decide to do something different. Sometimes a decision is all it takes. No one is forcing you to hate your body, so make the decision not to.

4.)  SHIFT THE FOCUS: After I choose NOT to listen to negative body image thoughts and make a decision not to dwell on it, my next move is to shift my focus onto something else. Think about it: the more you focus on something, albeit a feeling, like fear, or a body part, the larger it becomes.

5.)  SUPPORT: When body image issues arise, the last thing you probably want to do is be around others. I have found that surrounding myself with positive people in my life actually help because it gets me out of myself. Feeling connected with others can actually help squash some of the perfectionism and criticism tied to body dissatisfaction.

6.)  APPRECIATE: Instead of focusing on how your body looks from the outside, think of all of the wonderful attributes and strengths your body has from the inside. Make a gratitude list of all the things you appreciate about your body.

7.)  REDEFINE: Create a new definition of beauty. If your body dissatisfaction is driven by the feeling of an inability to measure up to rigid societal standards, then think about how you can offer yourself more flexibility around your personal definition of beauty.

8.)  STOP COMPARING: The more we compare, the more we feel despair. When we compare, especially when experiencing body dissatisfaction, we are going to see all the positives in someone else and negatives in ourselves. Comparisons are not usually helpful, even if we are in the best of mental states.

9.) HAVE COMPASSION: In moments when body image issues come up, I am usually feeling critical in some way about myself. If I dig deep, most of the time I realize it is not about my body. My body is just the go-to negative coping mechanism I utilize in the moment. What I need most when I am feeling and focusing negatively about my body or myself is to treat myself with kindness. Beating myself up will not help me, but doing something nice for myself that pertains to self-care will. If you must focus on a body part, do it with compassion and get a manicure and pedicureJ.

10.) GAIN ACCEPTANCE: Finally, ACCEPT your body in this moment. Imagine how different your life can be in this very moment if you stop trying to berate, change, or control your body and instead allow yourself to accept your body for what it is. When we accept, we let go of the struggle.

If you notice, each of the ten tools begins with an action word. Taking action is the “how” of change. We all have the ability, when we are ready, to take action. Don’t put it off any longer. Get into action and you can feel better about your body in an instant! 

Loving Our Bodies, Loving Ourselves...

Why is it so much easier for one to internalize messages from society than to realize that one is good enough? Body hatred seems to be the go-to coping mechanism to distract many from their "truths" about who they think they are. Of course, there is a mutlitude of underlying issues as we all know--I am not going to go into all of that in this post. I've just been thinking a lot about the self-created narratives that often motivate one to starve, binge, purge, self-destruct, self-hate, etc., and how that translates to body image and self-hatred.

What sparked my thoughts was a Lady Gaga article in the NY Daily News. The picture of Gaga's ensemble immediately captured my attention because it appeared that she was giving a jab to the media about criticizing her weight. I became intrigued and wanted to see her thoughts on the issue. What I expected to read and what I read was completely different.

The title of the article states that Lady Gaga "fully embraces" gaining weight, seemingly suggesting that she is okay with herself at whatever size. Bravo! However, there are contradictions everywhere. Gaga spoke about "not feeling bad about the weight gain, not even for a second," to saying she is on a strict diet. She discusses how she can no longer eat at her dad's Italian restaurant anymore and has to stick to green tea.

The article suggests she has moved on from her insecurities and Gaga states how grateful she is to have fans love her at any size. Enter my confusion. I am wondering why someone who embraces her size and loves herself feels she needs to go on a "strict" diet? If one is truly okay with themselves, then why try to change for society or anything else? 

I guess that brings me back to the original question in this post. Society, media, messages, etc., have conditioned many (millions) to turn against their bodies and themselves if they don't fit into the parameters of what society defines as ideal beauty. Even though Lady Gaga states that she is not subscribing to such ideals, her actions (i.e., dieting) may suggest otherwise.

The larger question in my mind is, when are we going to stop letting society define who we are? Even larger, how can we start addressing this TODAY? 

What is ONE action you can do today to embrase and enforce the message that YOU are okay just as you are???

Showbiz Tonight HLN

Just wanted to let the ED community know that I will be speaking about eating disorders on HLN's Showbiz Tonight with host A.J. Hammer. It airs at 11:00pm EST!  

 

Memoir Release!!

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that my memoir, Something Spectacular, is being released online tomorrow! It will be in stores the first week of June :)

 

Patience and Perseverance is Key!

So often I hear patients in early recovery questioning whether it is really working because they don't feel better already. They share their discouragement about how they are working really hard and discuss just how hard it is to not engage in their eating disorder.

The first thing I usually ask is how long have they been working on their recovery versus the length of time being in the eating disorder. The answer is usually along the lines of, "Well, I've been in my ED for 5 years and have been in recovery for two months." Most often a smile appears on their faces shortly thereafter as they realize that it might be unrealistic to expect complete satisfaction with their lives after such a short period in recovery.

I remember when I was in early recovery thinking similarly. Recovery is difficult and it often feels unnatural in the beginning--simply because it is! It's hard to use coping mechanisms that are healthy when you're so used to relying on the ED to deal with your emotions. How courageous of you to be willing to do the work!! AND, it DOES get EASIER over time.

I had a philosophy professor that put it like this: Your mind is like a muscle. Thinking differently is like going back to exercising after an injury. At first it is hard, it may even hurt, and you may not want to go back to the gym. But, with some patience and perseverance, it gets easier. You may even start to feel stronger.

Recovery thinking is exactly the same. The more you do it, the easier it gets, and the stronger you feel about your recovery.

How are you feeling about recovery today???

"Urge Surfing"

An important concept the patients learn at Renfrew is Urge Surfing. That is, you ride the wave of the urge to use ED symptoms until it passes. For so many years, I couldn't see that there was a psychological surfboard on which I could ride the crashing waves of my urges and cravings. I would have a thought to binge or purge and it would automatically send me into the action. As if I didn't have a choice. I could have saved years of time wasted on the ED if I had been willing to wait out the emotional storm.

Urge surfing takes SO MUCH practice! It is much like real surfing in that when you first get on the board to surf the urge, you feel afraid, uneasy, and off balance for not giving into the ED behaviors you're so used to. But the more you practice getting back on the board and do the balancing act of recovery, which means resisting those urges, the more steady and grounded you will feel when urge surfing. The waves actually become less intense because you gain confidence in your ability to urge surf the more you do it.

In order to surf your urges, you have to know that YOU don't have to be defeated by them! It is SO hard to remember in the moment that a thought or an urge doesn't mean you throw in your beach towel! It means you get on your board and get ready to ride the wave of the urge. It is an OPPORTUNITY to strengthen your recovery. Don't wait until tomorrow ... you may get swept under the wave, never seeing tomorrow. Start to surf those urges TODAY!!

Dis-Ease or Disease?

     At least two times a week, my clients will inquire about whether an eating disorder is a disease, like in alcoholism, or if this is a disorder one can fully recover from and never have to think about again. Looking into their eyes, eyes that reflect a desperate desire to know that they can fully recover, I want to tell all of them that full recovery is possible for everyone. However, that is not my immediate answer. 

     First, I have to define how I'm defining "fully recovered." I think of recovered as no longer relating to having an eating disorder, not using eating disorder symptoms as maladaptive coping mechanisms, not being plagued by the ED voice, not concerned with weight/body image issues, not struggling with wanting to use symptoms, and not engaging in symptom use. Now I know there are others to add to this list, but you get the picture. 

     I believe that some will fully recovery while others will be in recovery for the rest of their lives. I think are a variety of variables that determine whether one will have a period of dis-ease with an eating disorder, or will have a disease that will have to be managed for the rest of one's life. Some variables could be developmental stage, age of onset, age of first intervention, number of years in ED before entering treatment, ability to restore weight, chronicity, temperament, attachment style, level of support structure, family history of mental illness, co-occurring disorders, trauma, external antecedents, inability to alter worldview and belief system, etc. And there are so many more. I think the closest answer to the truth is that we don't really have much evidenced based knowledge what makes someone fully recover. I think of it similarly to having siblings who grow up where their parents are alcoholics--one sibling becomes an alcoholic later in life, and the other is, seemingly, without pathology. Why is that? 

     If eating disorders were reduced to issues of weight restoration and symptom management, my guess is that it would be much easier to have evidence based predictors of full recovery. But, as we know, the food and juxtaposed behaviors are merely a symptom. Can we predict that the prognosis for a 14 year-old who goes into treatment after a 6-month period of anorexia nervosa with no co-morbidity will be better than the 25 year-old anorexic with a history of trauma and substance abuse? Probably--but not absolutely. 

     I think that many can fully recover from an eating disorder. I just don't how realistic it is to claim that everyone can fully recover. In the last decade, I have had hundreds of interactions with women (not adolescents) who feel that they will be in recovery for the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean that they are imprisoned by an eating disorder and are actively using symptoms. It simply means there is some level of daily maintenance to sustain long-term recovery. Even if one can't be "fully recovered" and is in recovery, is that really such a bad thing???

"I FEEL FAT"

I recently attended a conference where psychologist Ann Kearney-Cooke gave a fantastic lecture about body image and decoding the language of <i>I feel fat</i>. Her philosophy is that a situation occurs--it could be you just tried on a pair of jeans that were tight or something completely unrelated, like you got angry with your sister--which then triggers you to become negatively focused on your body image in some way. Suddenly you are aware of this body part or that body part, and end up "feeling" fat. 
This feeling distracts you from an emotion, thought, or belief you had (have) about yourself regarding the situation that occurred just before you had the negative body image thought. It may sound confusing, but think about it the next time you start body checking or focusing on negative body image thoughts. What prompts you to start focusing on your body image? Many of you might say that it just "happens" and is automatic. 
While that might be true because body checking and the hyper focus on body image becomes habitual, I challenge you to start being mindful of specific situations that trigger body image thoughts. Just what are you distracting yourself from? It is often much easier to focus on body image than to face the deeper implications of your emotional/mental/cognitive state. 
For instance, if you pass another woman on the street, make a comparison (and subsequent judgment on yourself), and suddenly "feel" fat, then maybe you are distracting yourself from your belief that you just don't feel good enough. This might lead to the fact that you're single, which then could lead to the feeling that you will never be in a relationship because you don't feel good enough or pretty enough, which could then trigger your ultimate fear of being alone and abandoned. After that takes place in a millisecond (perhaps on a less conscious or subconscious level), you suddenly look down at your thighs and believe they are so much larger than they were 30 seconds ago. Pardon my long example, but this is how it can happen. 
Maybe it is completely unrelated to body image, like, you are worried about getting into graduate school or are procrastinating about studying for a test. It is much easier to focus on body image, as well as engage in ED behaviors than to face potential failure or to have to buckle down and face the dread of doing something you don't want to do. 
I think it is common to think of ED symptom use as what you actually do with food. But, body checking and focusing on body image is also an eating disorder symptom. Whether it is the food or the body image, all of it serves as a distraction to a larger issue. So, as you go through your day today and catch yourself body checking or focusing negatively on some part of yourself, ask yourself the question, "How is my body image distracting me from being present?"