Sorry to have been offline for so long! The past weeks have flown as I've been up in gorgeous Washington State, teaching, and before that I was jamming to complete final edits on my forthcoming anthology of recovery correspondence, RESTORING OUR BODIES, RECLAIMING OUR LIVES.
Just as I was leaving town, I received a fascinating letter that arrived too late for the book, but, with the writers' permission, I'd like to share it with you.
It's a letter in two voices, written by twins, one of whom suffered from anorexia. It's about trust and love and courage, about the power we gain when we free ourselves from judgment and the fear of judgment from those we love the most.
The wisdom in this letter is a gift to those who struggle with eating disorders and to all their friends and loved ones.
Here it is:
I thought I had been hiding my disorder so well for so long, but looking back, I realize that my whole family noticed I wasn’t the same person. I didn’t laugh like I used to, or engage myself. I had become a grumpy, boring, isolated person, and my brother and sister had lost the sister they once had. Being a twin, I am exceptionally close to my sister; she is my best friend who I tell everything to, except that I have an eating disorder. And if I couldn’t admit it to her, there was no way I could admit it to anyone. My family has always been extremely close, from moving around so much as a child, but my biggest fear in telling my sister that I had anorexia was that she would act differently around me. I wanted things to be exactly how they were before ED came along.
I was shaking when I picked up the phone to call my sister. The words were there but I didn’t want to say them. But, as I forced myself I just started crying. My sisters first response was, “How come you didn’t tell me?” and I responded, “because I didn’t want you to think differently of me.” I felt embarrassed telling her that I had managed to put myself through so much misery over the past four years, behind her back because we know everything about each other. She assured me that all she wanted was to help me get better, back to my old fun self. But, she was willing to do whatever to understand how I felt and help me relinquish my old self. She even read the book Life Without Ed to get a better idea of how I felt about myself and towards food.
I am so grateful that she was willing to stick by my side while I was not the same person. She never gave up the hope that I would change back. I can’t image how hard it must have been to have me around as the downer and depressed person I was. I depended on her so much to get me through high school and pawned off of her for the inkling of a social life that I had. She tried to get me out to do things but I would shut her down and she would try to get me to eat more and I would make up an excuse. That’s not how you treat a best friend. My sister is the best person I know and I will never be able to thank her enough for what she has done for me.
MY SISTER'S PIECE:
I don’t believe you will be able to understand my reaction if you don’t understand my relationship with my sister, and so that is where I will start. She and I aren’t just siblings, we’re twins, she and I aren’t just friends, we’re best friends, and she and I don’t just spend family time together, we spend all the time together we can. You may not believe this picture perfect relationship I have just depicted, so for the sake of my credibility I will admit that we had our fair share of yelling, hair pulling, crying, and ups and downs.
Nevertheless, there is no one I trust more than my sister and there is no one that knows me better than my sister. But there came a point, when she was no longer the person I swore I knew better than anyone.
She didn’t make silly comments, she wasn’t carefree or spontaneous, and she no longer had any confidence. I knew something was wrong and an eating disorder was one of many ideas that lingered in my head. As I look back now there is no doubt in my mind that I let it linger for too long. My brother and I talked about it; we called her out on exercising too much and eating too little, but not only did we hit a wall, she skillfully convinced us that it wasn’t as bad as we thought it might be, and so this idea continued to linger. During Thanksgiving of our freshman year in college I knew she was a shrunken shell of my best friend. A couple days after we were both back at school I got a phone call. A phone call I was expecting and a phone call I desperately wanted to receive. She got on the phone and told me she thought she had an eating disorder. She was crying and I was crying and the first thing I said to her was “why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Her response was “I was afraid you would think differently of me.”
I cried not because I was upset, but because I could not have been more proud of her. Admitting to having an eating disorder is harder than anything I have ever done or can imagine doing. I knew that she was beginning the fight that would result in me getting my sister back. Her phone call and her confession didn’t make me think less of her, in fact it made me think more of her. I began to put myself in her shoes and imagined having to call my best friend and sister to explain that I had a disease that has a very negative connotation attached to it: a connotation of being weak. So I made one thing very clear to her, or at least I hope I did, and now I would like to make something very clear to you.
The people that love you most don’t judge. There are no exceptions and there should be no exceptions to this rule. The people who love you want to see you happy and thriving and the people that care about you will do whatever they can to move that obstacle. My sister isn’t weak or less of a friend, or less compassionate because of what she has overcome, but this experience, although one I wish on no one, has helped make her the incredible person she is.
When she called me I knew there was
only one thing I could offer her and that was support, and support is
something
I will continue to unconditionally offer no matter what. So have a
little faith
in the people you love most because they will always be your biggest fan
club,
cheer quad, and support network.
