Eating disorders thrive on self-deception. The most obvious lies ED tells us have to do
with our relationship to food, fat, and weight – specifically, that however
much we have or are is just not good enough.
But in my opinion, the most pernicious lie in the ED arsenal has nothing
directly to do with eating. Rather, it
is the notion that we “need” to be left alone.
In fact, it’s not the person but the illness that depends on
isolation. Starving, bingeing, and
purging are secretive and solitary behaviors that feed on shame. And shame itself is alienating. Shame tells us that no one else could
possibly understand, care for, or help us.
Shame insists that we do not deserve friends or loved ones. Shame makes sure that we feel alone in the
world, and stranded. As a result,
isolation becomes the hollow core around which an eating disorder spirals.
Full recovery demands that we confront that lie of
isolation. In truth, no one on earth is
alone. There are billions of us here! And we are all to greater and lesser degrees
related by our mutual flaws and yearnings, our weaknesses and frustrations, our
common human needs. The challenge is to
identify and reach out to those who can help us tap into that shared humanity
in the healthiest possible ways.
Think of this as setting a stage. You may feel as if you’re alone on this
stage. But actually, crowding in the
wings is a large cast of friends, family, teachers, pets, classmates and
colleagues, doctors and therapists. Some
have known you your whole life; others may have just met you. Some are worried for you, but don’t know what
to do. Others have the tools to help but
need your permission to approach. Many
are as baffled and frustrated by ED as you are, and will gladly support you in
your battle – if only you will let them.
Here’s another truth: you have the power and the right to
decide who will join you on the stage of your own future. But staying out there alone is not a viable
option.
Setting the stage for recovery, then, means exercising your
power to connect to others. If that
sounds daunting, it may be because ED has convinced you you’re powerless to
make your own choices, especially when it comes to love and trust. ED trains us to fixate on our bodies instead
of relating to each other. So the longer
you’ve had an eating disorder, the more difficult it may be to accurately see
or hear the people around you.
It may help to think of yourself as a casting director. Before a play is cast, actors must audition. The casting director pays close attention to
each candidate’s voice, expression, and body language. He asks himself which of these individuals
will be best for the play – which will bring the most genuine energy, useful
skills, and honest commitment to the common effort? The people you choose to set the stage for
recovery should meet the same criteria.
So take a long and honest look at the people who surround
you. Consider how you are
connected. How has your ED affected
them? How much do they want to help
you? What could they contribute to your recovery? What do you need to do to help them help you?
Those you choose to join you on your stage need to support
you without judging you or tearing you down.
They’ll be the ones who make a genuine effort to understand what’s
wrong, and do their utmost to help you figure out how best to make it
right. They’ll admit they don’t have all
the answers, and they may have flaws of their own. They’re not perfect; they’re human. But they are
wholeheartedly there for you, for your health, for your wellbeing.
You just need to push ED out of your way long enough to
notice them.
