"Normal" Eating

Needing Each Other

A New York Times article on human communication and touch contained a sentence which caught my eye. Although the article was about how positively people respond to touch, what grabbed my interest was more general—about why we need each other and relationships in the first place. One more reason to reach out and touch someone.

Rapid Resolution Therapy

I took a workshop in Rapid Resolution Therapy (RRT) which is designed to put the past behind you, especially if you’re a trauma survivor. I’m blogging about RRT to alert you to its existence, not to promote it. After a one-day seminar, I claim to be neither an expert nor to know enough about it to say that it is reliable, effective clinical treatment. However, disclaimer aside, it’s worthwhile to understand the principles behind it.

Taking Advice and Suggestions

This blog is for you disordered eaters who aren’t doing all you can to help yourself overcome your eating problems. My purpose is to help you learn what stops you, especially why you have difficulty taking advice and following through on reasonable suggestions that will help you recover. Until and unless you’re able to take the steps that are recommended, you’ll be saddled with unhealthy eating and emotional problems that prevent you from reaching your eating—and other—goals.

Eating Message Boards

If you discovered my “normal” eating blogs through an eating message board, then you know what a support they can be for recovery. If you have never been on one, you are missing out on a terrific tool for education and self-discovery. The two I am familiar with were set up by a colleague, Linda Moran, who developed Diet Survivors on the heels of publishing her book, How to Survive Your Diet and Conquer Your Food Issues Forever at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dietsurvivors. She then generously created a board for my Food and Feelings Workbook at http://groups.yahoo.com/foodandfeelings.  I read each board daily (usually) and offer advice or suggestions to questions or dilemmas when the spirit moves me.

A message board is a cyber space where people can talk about their eating and weight concerns. You can read other people’s messages or post one yourself. You can remain anonymous or identify yourself. There is no pressure to “speak,” and you can say as much—or little—as you’d like. You can bring up a topic or follow a thread which someone else raised. One rule of thumb is to avoid hurting other people intentionally.

You can use message boards in various ways. You can ask questions about people’s experience with food, hunger, diets, nutritionists, or how they react to medications. You can post your own experiences with any of these things, sometimes encouraging people to try what you’ve done or warning them against it. You can share your problems and vulnerabilities. What you’ll find is that many people on the board feel as you do, which normalizes and universalizes whatever is going on with you. But you’ll also get lots of differences of opinion. You can solicit advice on a difficult issue or dilemma. Some people stick to food and weight topics and others share more about themselves. The wonder of these boards is that you can be totally, uniquely YOU and get whatever YOU need. They are especially useful if you’re isolated geographically, can’t join a face-to-face group because of physical limitations, or fear one due to social anxiety.

Here are some themes that have run through these boards:  the pull of diets; how to set limits with other people, especially family members; the difficulty of experiencing feelings; finding a nutritionist; eating problems and medical conditions such as Celiac disease and food allergies; how to work the rules of “normal” eating; tips on coping with stress without food; how an abusive childhood impacts adult eating problems; what it feels like to be fat and feel hopeless; struggling to reach a healthy, comfortable weight. Check out these boards. They may be just what you need for your recovery.

Best,

Karen

www.eatingnormal.com

www.squidoo.com/eatnormalnow

Visit the message board exclusively devoted to my new book, The Food and Feelings Workbook, at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings.

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. Unfortunately, however, due to time constraints, I cannot provide individual responses. 

Talk to Others in Recovery

I’m always amazed at the shame that underlies disordered eating and the release that comes from talking about it with others. Alcoholics Anonymous says that our secrets keep us sick, and that is an important truth. Being alone with an eating disorder is hell. Either you feel like a freak or, at best, only slightly abnormal. You know there must be a better way to deal with food, but you can’t seem to figure out what it is.

Talking with people who are still stuck in disorder is a start because you’re at least breaking down your isolation. It can be a relief to realize that other people have more serious eating problems than you have or that they’ve had them for a longer time. It’s liberating to tear down your wall of shame by telling people about your bingeing, purging, or starvation. It can make you feel as if you’ve rejoined humanity. But be careful not to stop with discussing your eating dysfunctions with other disordered eaters. Struggling with others who have eating disorders is fine as long as they’re willing to grow and change. Beware of those who want to commiserate and stay stuck.

You may be scared to talk to “normal” eaters or those who have recovered, fearing their judgment or that they won’t understand your issues. It’s more comfortable to share with like-minded people who are food-challenged, but you need to stretch yourself further to find out how others have recovered. This is the only way to close the gap between your wish to eat “normally” and actually achieving the goal. First, talking to people who’ve been there helps you recognize that putting in the effort is worth it. Second, it opens up a dialogue about how to get from dysfunction to function. Third, it gives you hope, and hope is what you will need in constant supply for a very long time—to buoy you up in those moments you think you’re going to drown in all the wrongness of your eating.

Most people who’ve recovered from food problems are happy to share their trials and tribulations. Telling their story cements their recovery. It also brings them joy to bring someone else over to their side, the side of health and “normal” eating. It doesn’t matter if your history isn’t just like theirs or if your path to recovery doesn’t look exactly like the one they’ve traveled. Differences don’t matter as much as similarities, because if you want to recover, you will have to go through much of what they went through.

If you want health, you have to surround yourself with healthy people. They’re all around you, and all you need is to take a risk to discover them. Tell just one person a week about your eating problem and you’ll be breaking down your wall of silence and pain. 

Best,

Karen

www.eatingnormal.com

www.squidoo.com/eatnormalnow

Visit the message board exclusively devoted to my new book, The Food and Feelings Workbook, at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings.

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. Unfortunately, however, due to time constraints, I cannot provide individual responses. 

How Therapy Helps

Every time a client alters how they think about and behave around food, I realize all over again what a difference therapy can make in the life of someone with eating problems. Of course, as a therapist for nearly 30 years, I’m naturally biased. Yet, I don’t believe I’d keep on meeting with clients day after day, year after year, if I didn’t see people transform their lives before my eyes. I know that the idea of going to therapy scares people—it’s a frightening process to open up to a stranger, hope that life could be better, and work hard to make it happen—but it’s essential if you’ve never been to therapy (or haven't stayed long enought to benefit) to understand how it helps.

On a concrete level, a therapist offers a new view of yourself through eyes which are compassionate and hopeful. Her job is to listen non-judgmentally and empathize with what you’re going through. It’s one thing to tell your best friend about your latest food binge or bout with bulimia. That friend will probably try to make you feel better about what happened. A therapist, on the other hand, will guide you to understand why you did what you did in order to prevent it happening again. Moreover, she has no axe to grind, no personal story to share that will interfere with getting your needs met.  She is there to listen, make suggestions, offer advice when asked, and provide you with alternative ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving which are healthy. In the best of worlds, you can tell your therapist anything (yes, anything) which enables you to bear and, eventually, eliminate shame about disordered eating and other things in your life.

Therapy also works on a more abstract level. The relationship itself is healing. Knowing that there’s someone who cares about you and wants you to be well for you (not for her) in itself may prompt you to take better care of yourself. A healthy therapy relationship may be the first positive one in your life, one in which you’re valued and treated with respect and consideration. Over time, being treated well helps you treat yourself better. Sure, insight is important, but what makes therapy work is having a relationship that every child (and adult!) wants:  one in which you receive unconditional regard. A therapist acts like the good parent you may not have had, pushing you just enough to risk little leaps of change while being there to help you dust yourself off if you fall.

Good therapy is a collaborate effort between clinician and client, in which each takes responsibility for her part in the process. It’s a microcosm of the best that relationships have to offer and will help you learn how to trust and depend on the right people and negotiate the world effectively—without abusing food.

Best,

Karen

www.eatingnormal.com

http://www.squidoo.com/eatnormalnow

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in my future blogs. Unfortunately, I can’t provide individual responses due to time constraints.