"Normal" Eating by Karen R. Koenig

Bariatric Surgery and Relationships

An interesting article in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune (“Marriages can suffer after bariatric procedures,” 9/6/11) tells us that, contrary to what we might think about weight loss strengthening marriage or a romantic partnership, it actually can cause marital tension and discord instead. Here’s the scoop.

Caring Distance

While watching a movie, I heard the phrase “caring distance” and was immediately intrigued. The character was talking about how to maintain healthy boundaries with someone you love, a certain kind of someone. Caring distance sums up what we need to do with people whom we love but who are not particularly or always lovable.

Closed- or Open-Looped People

We’ve all been in the situation of explaining repeatedly to someone how we’d like them to alter their behavior, with the result of absolutely zero change occurring whatsoever. This can leave you feeling frustrated, helpless, angry—and wanting to eat. The fact is, because of how their personalities are constructed, not everyone is open to change.

Understanding versus Accepting Behavior

I’ve noticed that sometimes when I comment to person A about person B’s bad behavior, “A” embarks on a lengthy explanation of how “B” might have come to be that way. In essence, person A is defending B’s behavior by detailing B’s dysfunctional childhood or the hard times B is going through, making it seem a natural consequence of their history. But does understanding bad behavior mean that we need to accept it?

What's So Hard About Being Alone?

What is it about being alone that frightens women so? I often hear them—married or partnered friends or clients—expressing great angst about being on their own. Their fear may keep them with people they don’t love and even actively dislike and could propel them to eat for comfort or pleasure. If you share this fear, it’s important to know exactly what you mean by it—to overcome it and stand on your own two feet.

Inclusion and Belonging

Many disregulated eaters long for inclusion. They are lonely, by themselves and even with others, but also feel social anxiety. So they eat—at home by their lonesome or in social situations—which only makes them feel more estranged from others and more of an outsider. And more convinced that they’ll never belong anywhere or with anyone.

How We View Others

While reading a book I’ll soon blog about, a quote nearly knocked my socks off: “…The inside of you is always looking at the outside of everybody else. So the inside of you feels inadequate, insecure, anxious and looks at the outside of people…and thinks, I wish I had my act together like she does. But then you realize that the inside of her is probably looking at the outside of everyone else and thinking the same thing” (quote from Jane Savoie in WOMEN RIDERS WHO COULD…AND DID by Karma Kitaj). 

Needing Each Other

A New York Times article on human communication and touch contained a sentence which caught my eye. Although the article was about how positively people respond to touch, what grabbed my interest was more general—about why we need each other and relationships in the first place. One more reason to reach out and touch someone.

Love and Abuse

It’s not uncommon for people who have suffered emotional, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of their parents or other primary caretakers, to allow themselves to be abused in adult relationships. Although the idea appears to be paradoxical—wouldn’t abuse survivors go out of their way to be around people who are not abusive?—that is not how things often work out. Understanding why you’re drawn to or surround yourself with abusive people will help you unhook from them and from abusing yourself with food.

Not Talking About Food and Weight

In response to one of my blogs, I was asked: “Is it possible to stop people from talking about eating and weight?” Hurray, I thought: “Am I the only one on the planet tired of yakking about this subject?” Short of duct-taping their mouths, we can’t actually prevent people from talking about it, but we can exert subtle and direct pressure on them. Even if our strategies fail, they will help us express our needs, an important skill to practice.