"Normal" Eating by Karen R. Koenig

The Power of Parents

They are so big and we are so little. Who? Parents, of course, when we are children. I was thinking about childhood the other day and the formative power that parents have over us. Yes, nature may incline our temperament this way or that, but nothing shapes us—for better or worse—like our moms, dads, and early caretakers.

Are You Hindering Evolution?

Here’s a question I bet you’ve never asked yourself: Am I hindering the progress of human evolution? You are if you’re an adult who has trouble standing up to and emotionally separating from your parents. “Individuation” will not only make it easier for you to become a “normal” eater, but it’s crucial to enhancing the gene pool!

Learned Lovability

We believe we’re lovable or unlovable based on our early experiences with people, primarily our parents. If they cared for us lovingly, we come to believe we’re lovable. If, due to their own limitations, they didn’t love us well, we may end up believing we’re unlovable. The whole lovability concept is that simple. Don’t believe me? Read on.

Growing Up in an Alcoholic Family

Numerous troubled eaters I’ve counseled grew up in alcoholic families. By that I mean that at least one—and sometimes both—of their parents had serious problems with alcohol. Being raised in such a household has a profound negative impact on the development of a child and may affect, among other things, her relationship with food.

Inclusion and Belonging

Many disregulated eaters long for inclusion. They are lonely, by themselves and even with others, but also feel social anxiety. So they eat—at home by their lonesome or in social situations—which only makes them feel more estranged from others and more of an outsider. And more convinced that they’ll never belong anywhere or with anyone.

Emotional Separation from Parents

As a first-year grad student, I was stunned when Sophie Freud, granddaughter of Sigmund and one of my social work professors, boldly proclaimed that "We never finish emotionally separating from our parents." Decades later, I understand how we spend our lives sifting through parental messages to crystallize what we really think and feel.

Intrapsychic versus Interpersonal Conflict

A common issue for disregulated eaters is how parental and cultural messages to be a certain weight or eat “right” can actually backfire miserably and create mixed feelings about whether or not to be that weight or eat healthfully. You even may be vaguely aware of feeling conflicted but, more likely, you’re mired in contradictory emotions and don’t know it! The only way out is to discover the origin of the polarity and resolve it.

Childhood, Sexuality and Intimacy

We may assume that only clear cut sexual abuse in childhood can cause problems with sexuality and intimacy in adulthood. Although there’s a strong correlation (not a cause and effect) between childhood sexual abuse and eating disorders, this is not the whole story. Abuse, neglect, or any kind of mistreatment—overt or covert—all fall on a continuum and can shape your attitude and influence your behavior as an adult.

Approval Seeking

One trait that many disregulated eaters have in common is the desire for the approval of others. Sadly, not receiving this hoped-for approval can provoke disappointment, frustration, rage—and a whopper of a binge. While practicing strategies to disconnect internal distress from unwanted eating, it’s also essential to let go of approval-seeking thoughts and behavior. Here’s what you can do.

Love and Abuse

It’s not uncommon for people who have suffered emotional, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of their parents or other primary caretakers, to allow themselves to be abused in adult relationships. Although the idea appears to be paradoxical—wouldn’t abuse survivors go out of their way to be around people who are not abusive?—that is not how things often work out. Understanding why you’re drawn to or surround yourself with abusive people will help you unhook from them and from abusing yourself with food.