To Cry or Not to Cry

Some people may think that tears are what healing and therapy are all about, but that’s not necessarily true. I see two types of clients: those who cry easily and those for whom shedding a tear is like pulling teeth. Both sets suffer from emotional management problems, and my goal is to help each move toward a healthier middle ground.

 

Some clients begin to cry the minute they sit down on my office couch. Either they’ve been holding in tears until they see me or they’ve been on crying jags throughout the day (or week) and can’t get a grip. Others let loose the minute we touch on painful subjects such as childhood abuse, the death a loved one, frustration with their weight, or family or work problems. They complain about lacking control over when and where they cry: the tears just come unbidden. Most end up feeling ashamed, out of control, and angry at themselves for what they view as a weakness. My work is to help them build skills for containing affect, to teach them how not to cry when they’re upset but to self-soothe or distract themselves instead.

 

Then there are clients who never cry. No matter how painful the subject, they’re stoic.  Most of the time, often at the end of a year or so of therapy, they’ll allow themselves to tear up or shed a tear or two. Gradually, they learn to let tears flow, but it’s so hard for many to simply let it all out. They’re afraid of feeling vulnerable, of being mocked, of my thinking less of them. My work is to help them understand that I’m not judging them, that grieving through tears is essential to emotional healing, and that crying is a healthy, natural, normal response to psychic pain.

 

Both criers and non-criers lack a complete set of emotional management skills. A healthy person recognizes that it’s fine to cry sometimes because it’s comforting and cathartic and relieves inner tension. She also realizes that crying can become a bad habit, a ineffective coping behavior (like unwanted eating, purging or over-exercising) if not modulated. The client who cries a lot needs to tighten the reins and decide when and where it’s appropriate to cry and do less of it. The client who rarely if ever cries needs to tolerate her tears and, instead, surrender to what’s dying to pour out of her.

 

These skills fall under the category of self-regulation, the same ones that drive eating too much or too little, another manifestation of what I call a yes-no disorder. Modulating your ability to cry will help you move away from an all-or-nothing perspective and support your efforts to balance yourself with food and in other areas of your life.

 

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. I cannot provide individual responses, but encourage you to post your questions and comments on The Food and Feelings Workbook message board at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings.

 

Comments

[Kim]

This is an amazing concept to me >Modulating your ability to cry will help you move away from an all-or-nothing perspective and support your efforts to balance yourself with food and in other areas of your life.< I never saw crying/not crying being linked to an all or nothing perspective [which I have].

I did a lot of crying in childhood, so it feels like I've done enough for my entire life. I 'can' cry when the inner hurts get too much, but I usually don't. Even in counselling, I didn't cry, couldn't get myself to cry because it just wasn't there - but the counsellor kept probing as if she wanted me to break.

I feel that it's healthy to cry because it can release a lot of built up emotions. I don't feel that crying should be forced [as my therapist tried to do].

Karen thanks for this message. It has certainly shown me that yet again there is another issue attached to the all or nothing perspective.

[DeirdreKM]

I don't like to cry because it gives me a horrible headache!

[lana]

I have teenage issues going at home and have had to deal with some difficult and sometimes physically abusive situations. I was driving to the grocery the other day, when a sad song came on the radio. I began to cry so hard, I had to find a place to pull off the road for fear of causing an accident. I cried for a 1/2 hour or so. Is that normal? Do I need to self regulate as your website mentioned? Should I try to stop my tears? All I know is they happened and I could not stop them. Is it normal to have this happen?