Letter From a Client to Her Mother

This is the first time I’ve used blog space for anything other than my own writing. I was so moved by a letter a client wrote (but did not send) to her mother that I want to share it in the hope that it will help you as much to read it as it helped my client to write it. It’s a powerful declaration of selfhood based on a great deal of introspection and hard work. When you’re done reading, try writing your own letter (without sending it) to someone who has hurt you or with whom you’ve never shared your authentic feelings. It works!

Dear Mom,

In many ways your parenting has been inadequate. I know you did the best you could and that you have many strengths, too, but this letter is about the irrational and harmful things I have learned from you about myself, my feelings, other people, life, and the world. I intend to do everything I can to “unlearn” many of the damaging messages you have taught me and replace them with logical, rational positive thinking that includes lots and lots of self love.

You taught me:

• that my feelings are intolerable - by saying things like "I can't stand this!" or trying to fix, change, and control my feelings and other people's feelings
• that I cannot tolerate/manage the regular difficulties that life brings by constantly protecting me and trying to do everything for me
• that anger is shameful
• that anger is unmanageable and explosive and very dangerous
• that I must protect people from my feelings - my feelings hurt people and hurting others is the WORST thing I can do
• that people will abandon me if I'm not happy all the time
• that people will abandon me if I take care of myself
• that if someone abandons me, I can't tolerate the "excruciating" feelings
• that I cannot soothe myself
• not to trust my instincts
• that there is always a more perfect way to do things and I should search and search for the perfect way, thereby changing my mind often
• that I am selfish
• that I am lazy
• that being selfish and lazy are TERRIBLE
• that I am inadequate
• that I will never be/do/have enough
• that I must be productive all the time in order to be good enough (you did this by modeling, not by encouraging - rather, you encouraged me to do nothing while you did everything)
• that other people's feelings and needs are much more important that my own
• that I cannot control my eating
• that I should hate my body like you do
• that my body is shameful
• that worrying makes things better
• to think catastrophically about life's challenges.

None of these things are true! You have taught me a long list of lies. Below is a list of all that I know is true.

• I can tolerate my difficult feelings. I can feel angry and vulnerable and scared and still be okay.
• I can take care of myself. I am a competent woman. Life is mostly easy.
• Anger is a healthy feeling - it's a signal that tells me when someone has hurt me or crossed a boundary.
• I can manage my anger and express it appropriately. I can tolerate other people being angry at me.
• Anger is not dangerous.
• My feelings don't hurt people. I can express myself appropriately and others are responsible for their reactions to my feelings. My feelings are helpful and expressing them appropriately bring me closer to those I love.
• People who love me will be there for me when I'm unhappy. It's okay to have lots of different feelings - to be real with those I am closest to. I'll be accepted and loved no matter what I feel.
• The people I want to be close to will respect and love me for taking good care of myself.
• If someone does decide to no longer be in a relationship with me, I can handle it. I'll be okay.
• I know lots of great ways to self soothe and I self soothe when I have strong feelings.
• I listen to and honor my instincts, as I know that they are important messengers.
• There is no perfect way to do things. No matter what I choose, I'll be okay. I can tolerate the ambiguity of not knowing how something will turn out. It's okay to make an imperfect decision.
• Certain amounts of selfishness and laziness are very healthy, and I need more of both.
• I am a competent woman. I am and I do more than enough.
• I was never defective or flawed. I have always been good enough.
• I have everything I need.
• I am a productive woman and I do enough
• I need downtime every day. I need to play and have fun and enjoy myself in addition to working hard.
• Other people's feelings and needs are important, but not any more important than mine. I have to take care of me and be my own best friend.
• I make healthy food choices when I listen to my body and take care of myself emotionally.
• My body is a great body, and it's healthy and I'm satisfied with it. I do not need to change my body.
• I have nothing to be ashamed of. My body is beautiful.
• Worrying is another way for me to escape from my feelings. Worrying doesn't make things better and I don't have to do it. I can self-soothe.
• I can get through anything and be okay.

I'm working very hard on making the previous list of beliefs what I automatically believe about myself. I don't yet believe all of these things all the time, but I learn quickly and I know that soon I'll have replaced all of your unhealthy messages with these loving, positive, true ones.

The ways I will protect myself from further harm from you is the following:

• I will remind myself of all of the lies that you taught me and refuse to believe them any longer.
• I will continue to tell myself the truth.
• I will tell you the truth, even though it's scary.
• I will tell you how I really feel.
• I will say no to you more often (I often say yes to protect your feelings).
• I will no longer “people please” you. I will allow you to take care of yourself and set your own limits. I will stop asking "Are you sure?"
• I will not engage in long, indecisive conversations about figuring out the “perfect” way to do things or go somewhere.
• When we talk about family members, I will tell you the truth about how I really feel and what I really think. I will not “soothe” your worry, nor will I escalate it - I will simply speak my truth. I will encourage you to get help dealing with your worries.
• To deal with my terror of disappointing or hurting you, or the fear of you not loving me anymore, I will self soothe. I will breathe deeply and remind myself that I can handle anything that comes my way. I will remind myself that you are my mother and that you will never stop loving me. I will remind myself that your way of coping is all that you know - it's no reflection of who I am. You could never give me what you never got. I will remind myself that I do not want to pass on this dysfunction to my children, and the only way not to pass it on is to change it - change the way I interact with you.

Your Daughter

Best,

Karen

Normal Eatingweb site

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PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. I cannot provide individual responses, but encourage you to post your questions and comments on The Food and Feelings Workbook message board at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings.

Comments

[Kim]

It was good to read this very personal letter. It certainly strikes a cord in me.

Thanks for printing it Karen

[Valerie]

As I read this list, I could identify with much of it, but I would ascribe most of this not to my mother, but to the religion in which I was raised which, intentionally or unintentionally, actively or passively, communicated and fortified a lot of these ideas in my young psyche. Even the controlling of one's eating--we were taught that we could not control ourselves in any area without the help of God; and since my experience of God's (or a higher power if you will) help over many years gave me the same lack of results, while only exacerbating the guilt I felt because of this lack of control (among other things), I finally came to many of the same conclusions as this letter writer; her ways of addressing this are the ways I now address all people, family, friends, both inside and outside religious institutions. It's ruffled some feathers, but I've discovered that most people actually hardly notice or care what I choose to do or say overall. They are mostly wrapped up in their own concerns. Just wish I could have experienced this freedom before I reached my 50s.

[Deirdre]

While I was reading this, I kept thinking about how my mom would react if I ever sent her such a letter. The feeling I kept getting is the "who do you think you are?" or "how dare you!" response. What's really crazy is that my reaction to HER reaction is guilt. And the feeling that she's right and I'm wrong.

[wendy mahill]

What a powerful letter! I wish I had learned the things she learned when I was a lot younger and could have forged more honest and transparent relationships with my parents. I had a real problem with my mom allowing me to have my own opinions, feelings, dreams, and lifestyle. It contributed a lot to my eating disordered behaviors.