Sexuality

A fascinating discussion about sexuality and body size is occurring on my message board (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings). Even though we live in a culture that’s considered out there with sex, the sad truth is that sexuality and intimacy get talked about very little among women. The subject gets raised even less frequently by women who are ashamed of their bodies because of their size. Hats off to those of you who are willing to take the plunge and think and talk about sex and weight.

No matter what their weight, most women have lots of conflicting feelings about sex, sexuality, and intimacy. After all, we’re supposed to be demur yet seductive and other mutually exclusive traits all at once. Then there’s the bombardment of cultural messages telling us that fat is repulsive and thin is alluring. Women who feel comfortable in their bodies at any weight are few and far between. I don’t know that I’ve met one who’s exceedingly overweight who came close to having that comfort.

It’s a complicated subject. Many overweight women say they feel more sexual when they’re thin. Some recognize that excess weight is a protection against their desire for sex. Sometimes remaining fat is a passive-aggressive way of getting back at a partner who’s hurt them. Sometimes staying fat defends against desiring a partner who’s not into sex. Other times it’s due to a fear of wanting someone who is not their partner. Whenever fears drive body size, it means there are unresolved internal conflicts going on. More often than not, it also means there’s something unkosher happening in a relationship that gets acted out through body size.

You may have difficulty considering these issues because they make you uncomfortable. Or you may feel you have no one to discuss them with. After you’ve spent time sorting out your own feelings and fears about sexuality and intimacy, try raising the subject with a close friend or family member. Don’t be afraid. Everyone thinks their own crazy thoughts are worse than everyone else’s, but they’re not. Treat yourself and seek out a therapist. We’re used to talking about sex without blushing and can help you untangle your mixed feelings and whatever’s going on in your relationship.

Sex should not be a taboo subject, but most of our religious training has made it so. My message board members have so inspired me to speak out on the subject that I intend to write more about weight and sex from now on. If we can talk about food being orgasmic, what’s wrong with talking about the real deal?

Best,

Karen

Normal Eating web site

Normal Eating talks and workshops

PLEASE NOTE: I encourage you to comment on my blogs and will do my best to address topics/questions you raise in future blogs. I cannot provide individual responses, but encourage you to post your questions and comments on The Food and Feelings Workbook message board at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings.

Comments

[sue]

Karen--

I am a bit loathe to blame religious upbringing for some of the puritanical ways in which we do or don't discuss sexuality. Historically I recognize that this is generally true, but we are far from historical points (Victorianism, etc.) in this day and age. Sure, our parents and however they handled sex with us plays a part in this, but any more, you're hard-pressed to find churches, synagogues, or other religious institutions that speak uber-negatively about sexuality. Most recognize it as a gift from the Almighty and leave it at that. Many times it's under-discussed in religious settings, but more b/c of a mistaken desire to separate "spirit" from "body" and putting a stronger emphasis on "spirit[ual]."

I think instead, our reluctance to discuss sexuality comes from an oversaturation of sex in our culture. And the message is always "thinner = beauty" and "beauty = sex." :( And for many of us, that's simply too big a trigger to discuss comfortably.

We are (often) taught from an early age that there are some topics which you don't discuss with others openly -- politics, religion, and sex. We are all sexual beings and were created to be, yet we are loathe to bring it up.

A healthy, healing discussion on sexuality, body image, self image, and food issues is long overdue. I just hate to blame an institution (i.e., religion) for attitudes when it's often not a) to blame and b) able to defend itself.

[wendy mahill]

I love reading your blogs. I lead a support group for women who are recovering from childhood sexual abuse and many of them like myself have had eating issues, some being obese, anorexic, or bulimic. One of the reasons I became anorexic was because I was because I was uncomfortable with my sexuality due to my own abuse. I was afraid of my maturing body and did not want to grow up. I feared, that curves and my lack of ability to set boundaries and have them accepted and respected would put me in situations I did not know how to handle. Later after a man broke into our home in the middle of the night I used food to deal with the posttraumatic anxiety and found that when I became obese I felt a bit safer in my body that I did when I was more shapely. Ironically I realized when I was in recovery that my first abuse occured when I was so little I had so curves or shape. I also have found at the times my husband wis either too busy and tired for sex or doesn't want to cuddle that binging can kill that desire and need in me. I see now that iit is a lousy substitute for love and relationship, because it is so termporary and leaves me even hungrier. hungrier.

[Kim]

I agree with you Karen. I also feel that religion has had a part in how we view sex. Growing up in church taught me (as a young Christian) that sex was bad except in marriage. This is untrue in a sense because sex in itself is not bad. That belief comes from earlier centuries when matter was believed to be bad. If matter is bad (or evil), then the body being matter is also evil. This was translated to mean that sex is also bad/evil. Sex in itself is not bad. Our behaviour with it can be though.

Like Wendy, I too struggled to come to terms with a 'womanly' shape. I always wished I'd been born a boy and I reckon this had to do with a dislike for my feminine form. I have struggled with a female body even though I love hairstyles, makeup, nail polish, face creams etc. I just don't seem to have any desire for body creams. I don't have enough 'love' for my body to treat it correctly.

As a woman, I SHOULD be embracing my femininity and curves, yet for some reason, I tend to cover them up under a wall of fat. Your blogs and your "Food & Feelings Workbook" are helping me to dissect these feelings and beliefs.

I for one appreciate you opening the subject of sex and weight to a public forum. It's about time we heard about this subject in a manner that befits us. Thanks Karen!

[Cissy]

I found your blog doing some research today. So glad to encounter other women exploring these issues. I teach "Human Sexuality" to graduate psychology students at a Christian University where I find that the majority of my students have negative associations with their faith background and personal sexual development.

Here's a link to an article I wrote on related issues: http://www.cbeinternational.org/new/E-Journal/2007/07winter/07winterrogers.html

Blessings to you Karen, and all the others adding their experience to the discussion.