Failing Forward

An artist friend of mine used the term failing forward while talking about a student of hers who was making mistakes learning how to paint but was nevertheless progressing. I immediately fell in love with the term. It captured everything I believe about this thing we call failure.

Working in the field of drug addiction for years, I avoided using the term relapse, with its connotation of back sliding. Clients were terrified of relapsing, as if it was a bad thing, but I never saw it that way. In my mind, relapse (see archived blogs on the subject) is a learning opportunity, a chance to stop and examine what is unknown and needs to be known in order to achieve recovery. The term failing forward captures the way I view returning to old behavior—be it starving, stuffing or picking up the crack pipe again. It’s an occasion to look at what triggered unwanted, unhealthy action and, hopefully, eliminate it hence forth. It’s a time to use the present to spring ahead into the future.

Failing forward means using mistakes or failures in the service of moving ahead. Whereas relapse has a focus on slipping backward, failing forward is about the future. Every failure to be a functional eater is preparation for success—a practice session, a rehearsal, a dry run, an experiment. Locked away in every failure or mistake (or relapse, if you will) are all the secrets to success. If you analyze your errors, you will know exactly what you have to do to avoid them in the future.

The problem with recurring unwanted behavior has always been our attitude toward it. We eat or don’t eat and feel terrible, wrong, hopeless, despairing. We are so consumed with what we’ve done wrong that we forget about the time between mistakes and what we’ve been learning and doing right. Imagine bingeing or purging and having no negative feelings about it; imagine intentionally skipping meals or obsessing about weight and not torturing yourself over it. Instead, envision feeling neutral or (gulp) even positive about what happened because you interpret behavior as an opportunity to learn something you need to know for recovery. I’m not saying it’s easy to make sense of old, unhealthy behaviors. I am saying that you can learn to do it with practice and determination so that you don’t beat yourself up when progress takes a breath and stands still.

Here’s an image to keep in mind—picture yourself falling, but instead of collapsing backward, see yourself pitching forward. That’s what failing forward is all about.

Best,

Karen

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Comments

[Andrea Amador]

Hi Karen,

Thank you so much for sharing this very useful perspective. For the past two days, I've been struggling with some inner conflicts about speaking and doing a presentation in my area. I've done many private presentations before, but this is the first time where I will be in a situation where I feel more vulnerable. There will be gyms represented, weight loss programs, community health programs, doctors and me.

Up until reading your post, I've been focusing on the fact that I haven't yet achieved my goal weight and putting myself down for still being on the journey. I've been fearing the judgment of others, feeling particularly outclassed by the lettered professionals in the weight loss industry.

I've been practicing Intuitive Eating for nearly 18 months, and have learned so much from doing it. I can't even imagine eating the same way I used to when I first began. I've become so picky now. The weight is slow to come off but I can see it melting away more and more each day as I feel safer and safer to handle myself without the cushion of the excess weight. I am truly changing from the inside out.

However I represent the situation that you presented saying that most people gain weight in the beginning. I gained a ton of weight, almost 30 pounds before I realized that I needed to handle my stress as well as pay attention to my body's signals of hunger and satisfaction. For me, that came when I began using Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT to handle my overloaded emotions around food and hating my body. I consider it to be like a type of physical journaling.

Your comment about failing forward helps me specifically to remember how I can humbly, authentically and honestly offer my journey and my experience for women and feel comfortable knowing that it's okay and that I don't have to be the perfect size in order to share something that is truly in the process of working and changing my life. It is through our pain that we learn the most and that means I've got a lot to teach.

Karen, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and putting a unique spin on the concept of failing. Until I read your post, I had no idea how judgmental and unfair I was in making the assumption that I had nothing to offer in speaking to the women tomorrow. I think I'll follow up and do some EFT on those sad, fearful and angry feelings. Now I'm beginning to get back my stride and I'm looking forward to sharing myself from the heart tomorrow.

Warmest thanks,

Andrea