What's the Big Deal about Self-Esteem?

If you are familiar with articles, blogs and books about eating disorder recovery you have noticed a common theme  that runs through many. People with eating disorders suffer from low self-esteem.

Can you recover from an eating disorder if you have low self-esteem?  What does self-esteem have to do with eating or starving?

If you have low self worth then behaving as if you have self worth can be mystifying.  Plus, you won't understand how low self-esteem influences your responses, reactions, behaviors and thus your relationships.  You might get low self-esteem mixed up with pride or arrogance or control. You might even get it mixed up with a sense of entitlement that gives you permission to dismiss, neglect, punish or hurt other people or to demand special treatment.

A person with a solid sense of self worth can lose an argument and learn from it.  She can honor her values and defer to another person's choice. She can be attacked without feeling she is wrong or lacks value. 

She can meet criticism with interest and questions or not engage with them rather than feel diminished.   She can be confronted with someone else's anger, fear or grief with care and calm. 

She can be refused something without doubting her self worth: e.g. She doesn't get the job afte rher interview.  She doesn't get a loan from a friend or family member.  She doesn't get accepted into a school or training program after applying. She understands that for reasons she may or may not know, she did not meet necessary qualifications or the entity that refused her is unable to grant her request.

If she's not qualified she uses the rejection to spur her on to more education, training, practice until she is qualified.  If the source of her rejection is unable to say yes, she learns to qualify the people she asks in order to be sure she is not wasting her time.

She can feel and show compassion without being pulled into an other's emotions or have a drastic reaction of her own.

So, building your self-esteem gives your a sturdy center you can rely on rather than reach for your eating disorder behaviors. 

These responses and behaviors come naturally to a person with healthy self-esteem.  Without it you quake at your very center and reach for your eating disorder for support. Buildikng self-esteem frees you of your eating disorder behaviors  You can improve the quality of your life and relationshps by bringing new ideas, new experiences and more understanding of yourself and others into your normal day. Self-esteem really is a big deal.

In the following articles, which self-esteem building practices which can you choose for your life right now?

Joanna Poppink, MFT
Los Angeles psychotherapist, speaker, author.

 

Self-esteem building practices: urls

13 tips

More self-esteem builders

Lots more on building self-esteem

How do you build self-esteem?

 

Comments

[Kym]

I agree with so much of this! I especially like the part about not knowing what it's doing to you when you have it. I use to think my self-esteem was fine because I had things I knew I was good at (like my music). But everything else I thought I was just being realistic. I was also raised by a church that pushed us to alway look at our faults, repent and feel remorseful for those things, and reminding us that we can’t be content with ourself because that means we’ve stopped trying to be a perfect person (and worthy of heaven).

But a couple months ago I thought..maybe, just maybe, those nice things people say about me are true. I’m not sure what happened: maybe all the puzzle pieces I’ve collected in recovery have come together, but I’ve started to like who I am! I’m Ok with my “short coming” because I know I’m moving forward and will continue to grow in the years to come. I’m OK with where I’m at now. It’s interesting but the more things about me that I allow myself to be happy with, the more things I want to explore being happy with. It’s addictive!

Thanks Joanna for all the reminders lately about the importance of self-esteem!

[Joanna Poppink, MFT]

I love this:

"It’s interesting but the more things about me that I allow myself to be happy with, the more things I want to explore being happy with."

That's not addiction, Kym. That's getting in harmony with your true self and your life force that wants to live and prosper.

Thank you for sharing your insights and beautiful journey to recovery.

[Cindy]

Hi Joanna,
Thank you for these posts on self-esteem. I agree it is important.

On the previous blog I like #3. "Build self esteem: Know that you will not always be consistent, logical or unselfish. Accept your humanity and continue to grow." because it has taken me a while to understand this. Sometimes I still ask myself how can people like me with all my faults, but they do. And when I journaled about it what came to me was self-worth. That I have it.

Also, on this blog post I especially like that part about accepting criticism with questions. I try to do that too. The other day someone told me I was acting childish, and while it blew a little hole in my soul, I asked the question, "what does that look like?"

The unfortunate thing is it took me several days to not feel angry about the comment and let it go.

I also like that you say solid sense of self-worth. I wish I could say I was solid in all these things, but I am not. I have one day at a time to practice building my character.

Thanks.
Cindy

[Cindy]

Hello again,
I'm going to double dip here, you really got me thinking about this self-worth stuff.

Above I talked about asking a question after someone told me I was being childish (I am 51). Honestly, the question I wanted to ask her was 'Really? This is the way you want to go?' but I didn't out of fear of making the situation worse and her saying something more hurtful to me.

Anyhow, I write again, because I wonder if it would have taken me less time to let go of the hurt and anger if I'd just spoken my truth and not worried so much about what she might or might not say.

I have learned and continue to learn that not speaking up for myself is damaging to me in some off-beat way.

I do love this journey of self-discovery. I requires courage, no doubt.

Thank you for Joanna for this forum and food for thought.

Cindy

[Joanna Poppink, MFT]

Dear Cindy,

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful posts. Yes, the journey of self discovery requires courage.

The good news is that you develop more strength and courage as you go! :)

For four more articles on self esteem building practices, please go to: www.eatingdisorderrecovery.com.

I believe giving people an array of practices lets them more easily find something that relates to them personally.

You did! And yes, you will never know what would have happened if you had spoken your truth.

You are asking yourself about the merits of remaining silent.

You can live in the question or you can explore your options.

When is it in your best interest to remain silent? When is it in your best interest to speak?

I hope to hear from you again, Cindy. Please let me know about your progress.

warm regards,

Joanna