Many people talk about how the journey of recovery from any difficult problem is characterized by a zig-zag pattern in which you take three steps forward, then two steps back, but remain on a rather linear course. I think most of us expect that in eating disorder recovery. Sometimes, however, there is something unexpected that happens over which we have no control,namely, an emotional detour. The detour occurs when something blocks your path. It is not about forward or backward motion; it is often curved, off track, or unpredictable.
Have you ever been driving in the car in a hurry to go somewhere only to find that your path is blocked by a huge sign that says "detour ahead"? I have and it can be very frustrating, especially if the detour path is complicated and not well marked. Sometimes the detour can add 10 to 20 minutes to the drive and if you get lost, much more than that!
Let's face it, most of us who develop eating disorders like control, or at least the illusion of control that monitoring food intake, weight, and exercise gives. The need is to control relationships and feelings, more than life circumstances. Emotional detours undermine the sense of well-being that comes from this illusory control by destabilizing relationships and/or feelings. For most of us, eating disorder recovery will have at least one emotional detour. Circumstances lay the groundwork; our responses to these circumstances can cause the detour.
Here is a list of life events that can lead to emotional detours:
- your parents get divorced
- your mother is diagnosed with terminal cancer
- you break your leg
- you become pregnant when you do not want to be pregnant
- your husband of twenty years asks for a divorce
- your therapist moves
- you are laid off from your job
- your father dies
- your house burns down
- you are excluded from a group of friends
- your teenage son or daughter pushes you out of his or her life
- you have a miscarriage
- you have an affair
- you gain or lose weight due to medication
- you are not accepted at the college you really wanted to attend
I remember one "detour" in my life. Ann's comment to "The Twilight Zone of Recovery" triggered my memory. My recovery had been moving steadily, albeit slowly, when I graduated from college and took a job on the other side of the country. Completely my decision, I chose to move to a place where I knew no one and had no family. Why? I was young, excited to try new things, and lacking wisdom. What did I use for stability? My eating disorder! After I moved, I mapped out this new territory by finding places where I could continue my eating patterns, maintain my exercise behaviors, and control my weight. This focus not only numbed my feelings of anxiety and loneliness, but gave me the illusion of security, companionship, and control. Did I mention that it also detoured my recovery? My way of coping with the changes led me to finding more creative ways to stay sick rather than new strategies for recovery. However, in the long run, the change helped my recovery, but I was "detoured" for about a year before getting back on the main road again.
Detours often lead to turning points and crossroads. When you realize you are an experiencing an emotional detour in your recovery, think about what you want to do next. Most detours result in moving forward in the same direction toward health, but sometimes, they can lead you back to a relapse. If you think this is a risk, ask for help, or at least write about it here. Fortunately, most emotional detours make us stronger and help us get better. If this has happened, for you, share it, so others can feel hope because of what happened in your life.
So, what can you do when confronted with an emotional detour? There is one thing more than any other that is necessary: FEEL and manage the intense emotions without using eating disorder behaviors or thoughts. Instead of DETOUR AHEAD, the sign for people in recovery should read, FEELINGS AHEAD!
Kim, I like the concept of the detour. I can identify many of them in my life. The most recent was the death of my mother couples with some difficulties my kids were going through. Most of the stuff happened two years ago and I stayed in counseling and meeting with my dietician, but still saw an increase in my behaviors and the lack of joy I had been experiencing. I finally realized when a friend passed away this last fall that it was the grief that was causing the bigger struggle with the disorder. I think for me if I can keep this concept in mind I can use the detour to continue the recovery, just in a little different way as I deal with emotional things in the future. Each one will offer me the chance to take care of myself and apply what I know to the new issues I am facing. It may look a bit different like a detour, but still get me where I am going.
Posted by: wendy | 04/19/2010 at 10:31 AM
Wendy
That makes so much sense. I like what you said at the end about looking different but still getting you there in the end. Grief is hard. There are so many feelings and no short cuts. Thanks for you comment.
To: kklr@msn.com
Posted by: Dr. Kim Lampson | 04/19/2010 at 12:23 PM
Well, I also like the idea of the detour and I can definitely see where I've had some of those in the past. I've liked thinking about falling off the path as not necessarily turning around and walking backwards on the path but more like lost from the trail. You're right eventually we are able to find the path again, but it might take a week, a month, a year, whatever. I'm struggling a lot right now with how long its taking me, not to get back to the path, but to get to the end of the path. I've been listening to friends and some have been telling me how smart I am and how I "should" know better and why aren't I just eating more and why can't I just do it, why?!? Geez. . . if I knew how to do that, I don't think I'd be having so many issues. I wouldn't have to see a dietitian every two weeks, I wouldn't need to find a new therapist (which I'm still hesitant about getting a new one for the summer). I wouldn't be here sharing, trying to get further along on the path, trying to stay on the straightest detour possible and on the trail as much as possible. Don't they understand that I want to get better that no matter how intelligent I may be that this is simply difficult for me. I see one thing when I look in the mirror and they see something else, I see one thing when I look at my plate and they see something else. They don't understand, even one of my friend's that's had a lot of experience with Ed's just doesn't get it! Ugh, I'm sorry for rambling I'm just really frustrated today. I called a treatment center and found out there's no sliding scale and there's no way I can afford it. Which is one of the reasons I'm not sure I want to continue looking for a T. The hard part for me right now is that I KNOW that I NEED to find a new T and that I shouldn't go without one. In fact, to be honest I probably need one I can see at least once a week if not more. Decisions, I hate them, I guess if I reread what I just wrote then there's not really a decision to make I just need to find someone else. :(
Posted by: Ann | 04/19/2010 at 06:36 PM
I agree with everything you wrote dr. K. I am relapsing tho, and since I never have before I cant really share what its like to "get back on the path." My friends from blogging are encouraging me, and they told me I can turn this around. But...I cant! I seem to have completely given into my eating disorder-its the only thing that is always there for me, no matter when or where.
Posted by: Madeline | 04/19/2010 at 10:02 PM
Madeline
Sometimes it is very hard to come out of a detour. Friends can help. Feeling the feelings and talking about them with people who care about you helps too. Never give up. The eating disorder is there, but it does not solve anything, only puts life on hold. You can get over this!
To: kklr@msn.com
Posted by: Dr. Kim Lampson | 04/19/2010 at 11:07 PM
Anne, about a year ago my dietician had a baby and I saw someone else in the interim and I was terrified and didn't want to do it at first. But I learned so much from working with it that I felt really sad when I quit seeing her to return to the original dietician. My therapist had told me to really try to go to the interim one with an open mind to see what I could learn from her even for a short time. I hope you can find someone to help with all the changes and transitions you will be going through...maybe she will be the guide for the detour you are going to be on in the summer.
Posted by: wendy | 04/20/2010 at 06:57 AM
The detour concept is neat and I use something similar. It's called "sitting with the discomfort." Through sitting and feeling it is possible to gain insight and emotional muscle that can bring one to a better understanding of what is occurring. This very technique along with a few other things has brought me to full recovery and to living an amazing life!
All the best,
Mary Jo Briggs
Posted by: MaryJo Briggs | 04/23/2010 at 05:26 PM
Wendy - adding to what you wrote to Anne. I have found that I learn something of value from every professional that I have consulted with throughout my lifetime, eating disorder related or not. Each person has a slightly different perspective and gift to offer. No one person has all the wisdom we need to recover.
Dr. Kim
To: kklr@msn.com
Posted by: Dr. Kim Lampson | 04/23/2010 at 06:19 PM
Mary Jo
I like the concept you introduced of sitting with the discomfort. Feeling the feelings. It would be great to hear how that helped you to move to full recovery. There are many people writing in who would benefit from your insights as they are feeling discouraged. Thank you for sharing.
Dr. Kim
To: kklr@msn.com
Posted by: Dr. Kim Lampson | 04/23/2010 at 06:36 PM
I have made an appointment with a new therapist. It is Tuesday evening, I just got the paperwork in the mail. I'm pretty nervous, filling out the paperwork feels like a major commitment and the commitment is what's freaking me out. I just keep trying to tell myself that this is a good thing and everything will be okay, just breathe, deep breaths.
Posted by: Ann | 04/24/2010 at 02:53 PM
Anne, maybe view the paper work as a way of giving her a head start in getting to know you so she can better support you instead of a huge committment. You are already committed to the work and its okay to take a bit of time to get to know her in the process of the work you are doing. Hang in there and keep writing, these kinds of changes are really really hard.
Posted by: wendy | 04/25/2010 at 08:34 AM
hi, I very much like the idea of feelings ahead. Overeating is constant struggle for me, especially after my mom passed away. I am working very hard in therapy and with a Nutritionist. It helps.
Stacey
Posted by: Stacey | 05/07/2010 at 02:08 PM
Hi Stacey, I struggled with that two after my mom died!
Posted by: wendy | 05/09/2010 at 07:48 AM
My mom died 2 years ago this June. I understand how hard it is to lose your mother. You will get through this Stacey. Wendy, sounds like you identify as well. You can learn to get thru these feelings without eating disorder behaviors. Mothers Day was hard. Lots of feelings. I miss her.
Dr. Kim
To: kklr@msn.com
Posted by: Dr. Kim Lampson | 05/10/2010 at 11:04 PM
My mom died two years ago, too. It was easter sunday night...a lot was going on in my life at the time and I couldn't really grieve then so I found this mother's day harder. I do better at not using the behaviors if I can remember to ask myself, "How can I take care of myself today(or in this moment, etc.)?"
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