The difference between "like" and "love"

There are days when I don’t like myself much.

But it is a rare day – these days at least – when I fall out of love with myself as well.

“Like” vs. “Love” – it is a topic we might expect to read about in a dating book, or a book on codependency, or even as a coda to the Golden Rule.

But we seldom consider the impact our understanding of semantics has on our relationship with ourselves.

Some days, I think yucky things.

Some days, I even do yucky things.

Some days I am feeling better than others, more secure than others, more well-equipped than others, and on those days I am naturally inclined to be kind, generous, forgiving, complimentary, fair.

On other days, well….let’s just say I have my moments.

Just like everybody else.

A small example (literally and figuratively) – when my bird, Pearl, bites me, I get angry for a moment – with what she does, not who she is. Who Pearl is is a charming, loving, affectionate bird who will cling like crazy to me when she is scared or confused or hurt or wants some neck-feather-scratching time. I know if she is biting it is probably one of a few options – she is losing her balance, she wants me to give her something she wants that isn’t good for her, she wants me to scratch her neck feathers, or she is tired and I need to put her to bed.

Whether or not we are tempted to say, “oh, well that is because she is just a bird” (the same way we might be tempted to say “oh, well, that is just because s/he is a child”) the truth is, while we may grow upwards in inches through the years, and brain size may play a role in how complex our reasoning gets for explaining away why we act like we do, the simple truth is that we are not so different than our pets or our kids.

We are essentially good-hearted. Essentially inclined to be the best us we can be. And essentially unable to accomplish either of those goals 100 percent of the time.

We love our families, our best friends, our children, our pets, even when we don’t like what they do.

But how do we feel in that same scenario when it comes to ourselves?

I for one made a resolution several years ago that it just makes sense to extend the same courtesy to myself. What I do always has room for revision, correction, and (when I am proud of my actions) enhancement.

But who I am is always lovable, always okay, always enough, just as I am. As I continually reinforce in my book Beating Ana, the truth (at least in my life today) is that positive, healthy, loving, human over time can completely replace the "relationship" I have formed with unhealthy coping thoughts and behaviors an eating disorder produces.

 But it is up to me to remember that – and treat myself accordingly.

xo
Shannon

Comments

[Nettie]

Thanks Shannon for the post. It reminded me of one of Miguel Ruiz's 4 Agreeemnents: always do your best.

This is the worst-sateted of them all, and I think, the most crucial. They way I practice it is: "remember: you're always doing your best. and your best changs depending on the circumstances." It's a compassionate way of seeing myself. Some days I'm tired and frustrated so eating in a mindful way is harder and looking in the mirror takes me to old yucky places I never want to visit again.

When this happens, I act with compassion towards myself - "wow, you're tired and frustrated, huh? It's ok honey, you're doing your best. Let's see aout getting you to rest."

"I'm always doing my best" is my key to love and accept myself, no matter where I may be in that particular moment.

:-)

[Shannon Cutts]

It is interesting that you make that comparison, Nettie - I am re-reading the Four Agreements right now but havent gotten to the chapter about doing your best yet. It is a great reminder to give ourselves - our best changes from day to day and is unique to where were at and how we can connect in that moment. Great point! xo

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