Beating Ana by Shannon Cutts

Running out of excuses

I have no excuse for why I am the way that I am.

What I keep forgetting is – I don’t need one.

Who I am is just fine.

How I am is just fine.

The only adjustments I need to make are in the areas where not who I am (which is always okay) but how I am is no longer working for me.

I need to lock. this. in.

Which is so easy to say and so not easy to do.

In fact, just for reassurance’s sake, feel free to jump in anytime and remind me that I’m not the only one out there who is challenged on a daily basis to work with rather than against my innate temperament, personal wiring, preferences, abilities, skills, and talents.

The reason I bring this is up is because I get letters each week from others of you who are going through the recovery process, and you seem to be laboring under the inaccurate assumption that there is something about me that makes it easier for me to get into recovery, and stay in recovery, than it is for you.

There isn’t.

Undercover bodyguards

Sometimes my stomach knows before I do.

This time, it was in mystifying knots for almost an entire week before I left for a part-work, part mini-vacation to the west coast.

As planned, the trip consisted of one day of actual work and two and a half days of relaxing in Malibu, California.

I can almost hear your thoughts. “Malibu, huh? I get the sun, sand, beach part – what I’m not getting is where the stress comes in.”

I was wondering the exact same thing.

Yet the knots remained. By the time the morning of my trip arrived, I had progressed to simply carrying my club soda and bitters cocktail around with me, along with a few digestive pills and some Pepto tablets just for good measure.

The plane ride out to California was totally anticlimactic – smooth sailing, nice seatmates, tasty lunch – I would have enjoyed myself thoroughly were it not for the rollercoaster that continued to operate in my midsection. Doing my best to ignore it, I climbed into my cute little rental car right on schedule and headed down Pacific Coast Highway, marveling as I drove at the endless expanse of deep blue ocean, rolling waves, high rock cliffs and brilliant bright sky.

And that was when I heard it.