My new not-so-imaginary friend

A week or so ago, I was woken up one morning by a thought.

"It takes just as much energy to believe in the best outcome as to expect the worst."

I shrugged it off.

It came right back.

As of today, this morning, I would have to say that this thought has been dogging my every footstep for a good solid week and a half.

I guess that means I have a new not-so-imaginary friend.

Every time I am tempted to put my energy into disbelieving future potential good in favor of past remembered disappointment, the thought pops up again. 

After ten straight days of observation, I can accurately report that my new buddy has more energy than the Energizer Bunny, more enthusiasm than my three year-old nephew with his new toolkit, and more stamina than my friend the marathon-finisher. It outlasts my pessimism, my moodiness, and the black clouds Houston's weather keeps presenting outside my window. 

It simply will not go away. Thank goodness.

Thinking back now, I can say this is not the first time I have counted a thought as amongst my closest confidantes and biggest supporters. In my book "Beating Ana", I share three of my long-time best thought-buddies:

Recovery is not optional.

Failure = not getting back up.

Success = getting back up.

What each of these and my latest thought-companion keeps teaching me is that there are so many easy reasons to believe the worst in any given situation. The economy sucks. Check. Nobody in my family understands my eating disorder. Check. Treatment is expensive. Check. I've already been sick for five years. Check.

But....it takes just as much energy to believe in the best outcome as to expect the worst.

As in, today is a new day. Check. Recovery is not optional. Check. Success = getting back up. Check. Others have recovered and I can recover too. Check.

I am the hero in my own life and I WILL save - am right now saving - the day. And my own life.

Check.

Comments

[Allisonrenee]

Where do you draw the line between failure & success? What if you feel like you fail bc its apart of recovery? When does it cross the line into taking advantage of that?

[Shannon Cutts]

In Beating Ana, I devote a whole chapter to the subject of relapse and how many times the cause of relapse is simply a deeper layer of work coming to the surface. And I believe this is actually a step forward - you have done enough work that you are getting to deeper triggers and fears and insecurities and you are strong enough to work on these things or they would not appear in the form of a relapse to get your attention. Obviously it is important to consult your professional treatment team at any time when you feel you are in the midst of a relapse to make sure you are medically stable to do any emotional or mental work that will be required to move forward. But ultimately I believe that we do know the truth about why we are relapsing and what is going on, and practicing being honest with ourselves about that is a key facet of continuing the recovery process. If you find that you are not willing to be honest with yourself about whether your relapse is because of a deeper level of necessary work or rather if it is because you have just stopped trying (and this references another chapter of Beating Ana called H.O.W. - Honesty, Openness, Willingness) then you have to backtrack and take support so that you feel safe to be honest with yourself again. Nothing can happen in recovery progress until we feel safe to be honest with ourselves. Most importantly we must learn to be gentle with ourselves regardless of the reason for the relapse. Our ED will not be genuinely gentle, so if we are not gentle and kind and understanding with ourselves, we play right into the eating disorders hands. We must befriend ourselves whether we are struggling or strong if we want to achieve lasting recovery. Good question - hope it helps! xo