Love the you you're with

I have been having conversations with a colleague recently that I can only describe as a "grass is greener" mentality. She tells me that she envies me for my singular passion for my work. I tell her that I envy her for her multi-faceted life of variety.

From the outside listening in, the issue seems clear - we just need to swap lives. We are both convinced we would be happier "if only"....and yet our individual perceptions about how happy we would actually be standing in each others' shoes is slowly shifting.

For instance, I am not a morning person. So when she told me yesterday that her kids wake her up at 6am - if they wait that long - I couldn't help but feel grateful for my house-for-one.

Similarly, when I told her that my single-minded focus on my work has until now removed from my awareness my simple desire for relationships and maybe even a family of my own, she began to recount the joys of family life...more for her own benefit, it seemed, than mine.

The more we see beneath the surface of each others' lives, the less we can rely on our own assumptions of how wonderful life would be if only life was different. As one of my mentors used to say, it could always be so much better....but it could also always be so much worse! And we get to choose which it will be.

As I type this, I am remembering the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", starring Brad Pitt. As many of you know, I enjoy movies immensely, and often learn as much or more from the movie characters as I do from my own mentors!

In this case, I was struck by the simple gratitude with which Benjamin approached each day. If someone befriended him, he didn't ask why and enjoyed their company while they were in his life. If an opportunity presented itself, he jumped on board without questioning either his readiness or his value. When love and care was offered he accepted graciously and reciprocated in kind. He often seemed to spend a lot of time listening to his companions and friends judging themselves and their choices, and regretting lost chances, but you never once heard him do the same.

Perhaps most poignantly for those of us who are in recovery from eating disorders, he did not hold himself apart from society or adventure because of how he looked, what he had been through, or what others might think or say. He assumed that he was as he was supposed to be, and offered all of himself without reservation or hesitation. While others in his life were spending their precious time and energy regretting or recriminating, he was living. While those he cared for were self-protecting or self-denigrating, he was enjoying the moment for all that it had to offer.

When I was struggling to recover from my eating disorder, I was so full of self-recrimination, regret, and a desire to be different than how I was that it is a true wonder I had any energy left over to do the hard work of recovery! Then one day it occurred to me that, like it or not, want it or not, I was going to have to spend the rest of my life in my own company, and I decided that if that were the case, I wanted to be fun to hang out with!

On that day, my perspective shifted. That is not to say I don't still struggle with regrets or doubts about whether I have chosen the right path, am being the "right" me...but if I am being honest, I have to admit that my life largely chose me (regardless of what I choose to believe) and not the other way around. Some people like to say that "life is what happens while we are busy making other plans". For me, the one true regret I have is that I have donated so much of my past time and energy to wanting to be different instead of working to appreciate and know the unrepeatable, irreplaceable, and utterly unique me that I am.

On the reverse cover of my book, Beating Ana, it says:

Imagine a world where it is easy to find someone who understands your struggles, identifies with your wounds, and knows how scary it is to live inside your own skin.

Thanks, Benjamin Button, for the reminder that we already have that special someone in our lives - US.

Comments

[Ann]

Thanks for sharing, Shannon!! This is something that I've been trying to work on for a long time. And it feels like every time I seem close, ED rears his awful little head. And unfortunately, I seem to allow him to pull me close and listen to all the terrible things he says about me. Anyways, I needed to read this right now, thanks for sharing!

[Shannon Cutts]

You are so welcome, Ann - just keep fighting! Eventually you will wear Ed down - be more determined and never give up!
xo
Shannon