The baby spotted seal

In my last post I mentioned that I recently had the chance to attend IAEDP in Long Beach, CA. It was my first time attending the conference, and I was definitely excited, but I will admit I was also a bit nervous when I first arrived - what would it be like, would people be welcoming, what would the response be to MentorCONNECT when I shared the information with them, would there be a place for me amongst so many icons in the field....

By the third day, however, I was starting to feel at home, and during one of the afternoon breaks I decided to wander downstairs in search of that much-debated but seldom-seen drink, the Diet Coke (in fact, I found it simply fascinating how often the subject of Diet Coke came up during panel discussions, which usually proceeded somewhat along the lines of "to drink or not to drink...")

I found the gift shop, spied the small cooler full of Diet Coke, grabbed one, paid, and was just about to unscrew the top and take my first sip when I felt a set of eyes on me. I turned around slowly....yup...I was definitely being watched. I wandered over to the shelf, drawn in by the large round brown eyes of an adorable baby spotted seal.

I picked it up, took a look at the price tag. $7.99. Nope. I was quite clear with myself. I did not need a baby spotted seal. No way was I going to spend eight bucks on a stuffed animal. Not going to happen.

Ten minutes later I emerged from the gift shop, Diet Coke in hand and (of course) baby spotted seal tucked discreetly into my big blue bag. I made it into the next workshop just as the speakers were making introductions, and the woman sitting next to me spied the Diet Coke and exclaimed, "Where did you get that?" "In the gift shop downstairs", I replied. "I'm going right down there on the next break!" she insisted. "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you," I said.

She looked a bit confused. I tried to explain, "They have baby spotted seals." Now she looked a bit frightened. So I had no choice but to show her what I meant.

At that point the entire row was staring at my Diet Coke, and the row in front had turned around to see what was going on as well. I pulled the baby spotted seal out of my bag and two rows of adult women squealed in unison, "Awwwwww! Look at those EYES!"

I've been back home for almost a week now, and the baby spotted seal goes everywhere I go. It sits by my laptop while I work. It is the first thing I see every morning when I turn my alarm clock off. It is the new official book signing mascot...no one who sees those eyes could possibly say "no" to buying a book! See:

And even while you are getting ready to write to tell me that I might want to consider therapy...lots of it...I think I have decoded the mystery of the baby spotted seal's appeal.

I have been busier these last few weeks than ever before in my life. I have been busier at times than (I thought at least) any human could stand to be, to the point where I would get out of bed and sit down at my laptop in the morning and the next time I would get up would be because it was time to go back to bed again. I have slept on planes, persuading sympathetic flight attendants to find me an empty row and a few blankets to throw over my head, because that was the only sleep I was going to get that night, or the night after that.

Don't get me wrong - it's been a good kind of busy, and productive, and I have been happy with all that my team and I have accomplished. But I somehow went missing in the middle of it all, and it was not until I looked into the eyes of the baby spotted seal, those big, brown, soulful, compassionate eyes, that I realized that in the midst of all that activity I was missing myself!

Whenever I see the baby spotted seal, I am reminded to take time for ME in the middle of it all. I am reminded that I am never alone - that someone is close by who understands the demands of my life, the challenges, the fears, the victories and the defeats, and that someone is myself. No matter how busy I get, no matter how long it has been since I've seen or talked to family or friends or anyone else I care about, I am still on my own side and I am always here for myself to talk, and to listen.

Finally, after all this time, and with a little help from a small spotted friend, I am learning how to be my own best friend. I am learning once again that relationships replace eating disorders, and the most important relationship I could ever nurture is my relationship with myself!

Comments

[Laura]

That's a really good point, and I do believe you. But it's so hard to feel like it's worth it to take time to connect with yourself and care for yourself. I always need to see the connection between other people's happiness and taking time to give myself what I need. And sometimes, what a person needs, is human connection. Yet, when you don't feel worth it, it's hard to motivate yourself to say "yes" to offers of human connection. I guess the only thing you can do is just simply begin. Just do one thing. Then, later, another one thing. Etc. Etc.

[Shannon Cutts]

Hi Laura - I can relate so well to what you say! I continue to work on allowing human connection and some days are better than others...but I do notice that the best days are the days when I am connected to myself first. For what it's worth.
xo
Shannon

[Ann]

I think the hardest relationship to nurture is the relationship with myself. It's something I've been working on in counseling for awhile now. The whole trying to work on being my friend instead of my enemy; encouraging and loving myself instead of berating and tearing myself down. I think the toughest part sometimes is noticing those times of hatred, it's so easy to be caught up in what I'm doing or experiencing that the moment comes and goes where I could stop myself and really evaluate if what I'm saying to myself is true. It's definitely something I'm going to continue to work on though!

Thanks for sharing Shannon!!

[Shannon Cutts]

You are so right, Ann - and thanks for reading! I still have times when I struggle to learn better how to take good care of myself, listen to myself, be a friend to myself (especially when I'm alone and I'm the only one around to be friends with!) and just get through the day and still be standing on my own side at the end of it no matter what the day brings. So you are not alone - and neither am I - we are working on that together!
xo
Shannon

[Laura]

I second everything you said, Ann!

Thanks for all your honesty and support, Shannon :)

[bambi413]

Hi shannon! Just wanted to let you know I just downloaded a couple of your songs from itunes. I started listening to them and just burst into tears--your music, and this blog, give me such hope. Thank you, with all my heart.

[bambi413]

By the way, sorry that was so random and irrelevant to the post! :)

[Shannon Cutts]

Hi Bambi-thank you for reading, and listening, and most of all for hoping....you deserve to have all the hope you can hold and much, much more. You CAN beat this. If I could do it - you can too!!!
xo
Shannon

[Alicia]

I just found this blog, its amazing! I'm in the middle of a relapse right now and every moment is a struggle to by my own best friend. It's so hard but at least I'm fighting for it. Ann is so right--it's really hard to figure out when you're beating yourself up and when you're not. Thanks!

[Shannon Cutts]

Yes it is...but you are right - at least you are fighting for your right to have that experience for yourself. We all deserve to know that we are on our own side!
Keep fighting!!! xo
Shannon