Beating Ana by Shannon Cutts

Choosing Ed or Life

We all eventually have to confront 'the choice' - that heart-wrenchingly painful realization that we cannot have it all - the eating disorder AND our life too.

And then we have to make a choice. The choice. What will it be - the eating disorder, or our own irreplaceable, unrepeatable, unique life?

For so long we have been running from our fear, from other people's fears, from society's prejudices and expectations, and from the simple truth that we will be very good at whatever we choose to spend our precious time and intelligence and energy on.

For instance, if we choose the eating disorder, we will get very good at dying. Conversely, if we choose recovery, we will get very good at living.

What will you choose?

If You Are Struggling Right Now You Are NOT Alone

Everybody has something. EVERYBODY.

As I share in Beating Ana, this was one of the most powerful lessons my first mentor taught me. I wasn't different, weaker, less worthy, because I was struggling. It didn't really matter what the struggle was against - the point was, I, too, was human. And human beings struggle sometimes. We all have something.

It has surprised me over the years how many people in recovery enjoy Eminem's music. Perhaps it is because he named one of his CDs "Recovery". But I think it is more than that. I think, whether we are listening to his tortured lyrics or watching his difficult life story on screen, it is clear that this successful, famous rapper and actor knows what it feels like to suffer and struggle.

Eminem's story is no different that ours in many ways. As you watch his cinematic autobiography, 8 Mile, see how hard it was for him to a) believe in himself, b) accept help from others, c) overcome his fears and insecurities, and d) share his gifts with the world. As you watch the film, contemplate this statement: "From the opposition of great adversity comes the opportunity for great triumph."

Where are you - even now - triumphing simply because you are willing to endure, face down, and persevere through the great adversity in your life?

Why Ed Doesn't Know What Beauty Looks, Acts or Lives Like

In 2004, 3,000 women from around the world were asked if they would describe themselves as "beautiful". Only 2% - 60 women - said YES.

Yet 100% of these women stated that "beauty is about who a person IS." (Dove Campaign for Real Beauty)

Hmmm.

In the movie "The Mirror Has Two Faces", Barbra Streisand plays a hauntingly autobiographical role as she learns to experience her own unique inner AND outer beauty, not at first through her own eyes, but through the eyes of someone else who teaches her that her beauty is on the surface too, yet is so much more than skin-deep.

Who in your life is showing you that you are beautiful - regardless of what Ed tells you about what HE sees in the mirror? How do you define "beauty" - and how is your definition different for other people than it is when you apply it to yourself? And how can you learn from Barbra how to see, claim, and celebrate your own unique and multi-layered beauty?

Finding Your Own Reason to Recover

We all have dreams...and for all of us who struggle, our eating disorder stands between us and the fulfillment of those dreams.

I also think it is fairly safe to say that when we were little, none of us ever dreamed of spending our days battling our eating disorder.

What were we living for, before we became consumed with simply surviving? What did we dream of when we were little? What is our battle cry, when we face off against our eating disorder and it stamps its frightening foot and demands of us our body, mind, heart, and soul?

When I was recovering, I called that thing I wanted to recover for my "key to life." For me, a "key to life"  was - is - that thing, or things, that you want MORE than you fear the consequences of not giving in to your eating disorder's demands.

Your 'key to life' is the thing you will think of at age 80 with soul-shattering regret, because you never did it - whatever it is. Your 'key to life' is the one thing that is stronger than your eating disorder, because it reminds you of why life is still worth recovering, surviving, living, and thriving for.

What is YOUR "key to life?"

You Really CAN Love Yourself

I know what you're thinking.

Or I should say, I know what you're thinking if you're anything like me.

Ha. As if. Suuuuuure I can love myself. I can probably also cure cancer someday, IF I get a brain transplant and find half a million dollars and go back to school for a decade and don't die of old age before I graduate....

Truthfully, I used to cringe - or worse, completely disconnect - when I heard, read or otherwise encountered the phrase, "you can love yourself." And when I heard, "you must love yourself before you can love anybody else," well, that was my cue to find a shovel and start digging.

To my non-self-loving ears, "love yourself" sounded like a pronouncement of certain doom. I knew I loved my bird, my family, my friends.

But me? Um, that would be a clear no.

So trust me, I understand how it can get irritating to encounter "love yourself, love yourself, love yourself" no matter which way you turn. Want to feel happier? Love yourself. Want to have more friends? Love yourself. Want to meet the love of your life? Love yourself.

Sooner or later it starts to sound like the magic pill they ran out of just before you got to the front of the line.

This is also why I don't say "you really CAN love yourself" lightly. Ten years ago (when I was just starting this work I do now) I still loathed myself. Five years ago I tolerated myself. Two years ago I was contemplating the concept of liking myself. A year and a half ago I bit the bullet and decided to go for it.

Today, I am starting to truly love myself.

So when I say you really CAN love yourself, I am not trying to claim I know how it feels to be you, how impossible it seems to love yourself, or how easy all those Mount Everest-sized obstacles in your path are to climb over.

All I am saying is that, as of last year, I discovered it is possible to do the totally unthinkable and love the thoroughly unlovable - ME.

And for this reason, and this reason alone, I truly do believe that, if you want to badly enough and you are willing to do absolutely whatever it takes to get there, you too really CAN love yourself.

And if you decide you want to give it a try, I would love some company for the road! :-)

With great respect and love,

xo
Shannon

This post is a smaller part of April's "Good News for Eating Disorders Recovery" free monthly ezine. To read the full edition click HERE

Learning How to Tell Ed's Lies from Your Truth

We all know the facts - if we want our bodies to survive, we must nourish them with food. But what about the F.E.A.R. - the very real possibility that we might die of the fright that is caused by the words the ED voice speaks to us when we attempt to do just that?!

In the Twelve Step communities (which I don't personally belong to, although I have worked the 12 Steps with my own sponsor/mentor) they call F.E.A.R. "false evidence appearing real". This makes sense, whether you look at it from a recovery, faith or even evolutionary perspective. When we were still dwelling in caves and drawing on rocks, if we saw something suspicious our brains would go to work right away to try to figure out what kind of threat it was. Worst case, we would realize we were wrong. Best case, we would escape being eaten by a saber tooth tiger that afternoon!

So there is no need to get mad at ourselves or our brains for trying to keep us alive. But we do need to understand how to accurately decode the "evidence" our brain is continually gathering so we don't freak ourselves out unnecessarily!

This is also where we must learn how to tune out the ED voice that is full of fear and lies (it can be helpful here to think of ED like a sheep in saber tooth tiger clothing) and turn up the volume of the factual data we know to be true.

How can you start to hear the ED voice when it is feeding you a lie, and silence it with a good, healthy dose of FACTS? And what kind of support do you need to be able to do this consistently day-to-day?

Should People With Eating Disorders Be Invited to Conferences?

Recently my dear friend and colleague June Alexander invited me to write a guest post for her blog. The topic? Should recovering and recovered people be allowed - invited even! - to attend eating disorders conferences?

As you will read, I have fairly strong thoughts on the correct answer to this question. :-)

But my personal opinion is just one way to approach this issue and June and I would also love to hear your thoughts and ideas!

http://www.junealexander.com/2013/04/its-time-for-the-eating-disorder-conference-world-to-welcome-ufferers/

Turning Triggers Into Triumphs

So sometimes we start to get a grip on our eating disordered thoughts and behaviors...only to find ourselves in the grips of something else equally detrimental to our health and well-being! Maybe we have swapped over to obsessive thinking about a relationship or our work or school progress. Or perhaps we have turned to substances, physical intimacy, self-harm or total raging anxiety to get our mind off of Ed.

At some point, when we "transfer" our repetitive, unhealthy coping behaviors from Ed to something else once again, we realize that we are really not recovering from the need to manipulate food per se. More accurately, we are recovering from the need for something powerful enough to distract us from the fear and indecision we feel while going about our business of daily, conscious living.

What do you turn to when you feel triggered? For that matter, what triggers you? As you make your lists, notice in particular whether certain triggering situations cause you to turn more readily to certain disordered coping skills. Build up your conscious awareness of what triggers you, so you are less likely to automatically turn to your customary unhealthy coping behaviors without giving yourself a window of opportunity to make a healthier choice!

What about an eating disorders conference for sufferers?

My dear friend and colleague June Alexander asks a great question with her recent post about whether sufferers are welcome and needed at eating disorder conferences.

So now I wanted to ask you - are recovering and recovered people an untapped resource in the greater eating disorders field? Would you like your own conference on eating disorders? Would you like to share what you want and need with the professionals who treat you and the carers who support you?

Read June's paper and add your own thoughts!

From June Alexander: "Sufferers - an untapped resource"

I come from the ‘sufferer’ or ‘person with the eating disorder’ background, and over recent years I have started to wonder why more people ‘like me’ are not at eating disorder conferences – which I always find helpful and nurturing. I reached out to others in the ED field, and discussion has led to this article: Sufferers – an untapped resource in the field of eating disorders.

We all – researchers, treatment providers, advocates, carers and … yes, SUFFERERS – must be acknowledged as part of the solution in the quest to understand, treat and prevent eating disorders.

When a problem needs solving, it helps to have contributions from diverse problem-solvers whose experiences and approaches differ. Each person and institution in whatever capacity has a crucial and different role to play in eradicating “Ed”. A solution cannot be discovered in a vacuum.

This paper,  Sufferers – an untapped resource in the field of eating disorders is a call for sufferers of eating disorders to be given more opportunity to contribute. At the very least, we all will learn by keeping this topic open for discussion. We owe this much to one another – expert, clinician, carer and sufferer alike.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this discussion and to everyone who reads this paper. Your views are welcome!

June

Eating is Not Optional if You Want to Recover

In the chapter of Beating Ana called "Eating Is Not Optional", we get right to the heart of the least popular, but arguably least negotiable, aspect of recovery. At some point, we each must confront the very necessary need our body has for food.

I remember the moment in my recovery process when I finally made the connection in my mind between fueling up my car with gas, and fueling up my body with food. This was also the moment I made the connection that, quite often, I take better care of my car than I do of my own body!

In chapter three I share this realization in the form of a contemplation. Imagine that you see the red light flashing on your dashboard, telling you that if you don't stop for gas soon, your car will die on the road. You pull into the gas station, look down at the flashing red "E". Then you turn the key in the ignition - without fueling - and drive away again.

Would you ever do this in real life - ignore your car's need for gas and expect it to keep running? Why is it so easy to see how your car needs fuel, and to accept that reality, but so difficult to see and accept your body's need for food as fuel? Do you recognize the link between the car you drive and the body you rely on to "drive" you around? How do you feel about the recovery reality that food is not optional, and what struggles are you having to make this reality not just a thought, but an action item in your life?